Page 51 of Sprog
I sit in the kitchen of my house with a glass of water. I think about everything I need to say and the order I should say it in. I know the parts she's going to be angry about and the parts she might understand if I can get the words right. I think about the look on her face tonight when she fell into my chest, the half second before she stepped back.
I don't sleep. I don't expect to.
Ten o'clock can't come fast enough.
CHAPTER 11
Austin
She said ten o'clock. I pull up at nine thirty.
I know I'm early and I don't care. I sat in my kitchen until well past midnight last night going over everything I want to say. When I finally went to bed I could only lay on my bed staring at the ceiling for two hours and at some point, I gave up on sleep. I waited for a reasonable hour to get on my bike. Nine thirty is reasonable. Barely.
I knock on the door and wait for her to come down and open the door. It isn’t long before I hear her coming. When she opens the door, she's still in her pajamas, little shorts and a tank top. She doesn't open door wide but wide enough that I can see she's not remotely ready. She looks exactly as good as she did at seventeen. Some things don't change no matter how much time passes.
"You're early," she says.
"Yeah." I push the door open. "I couldn't wait any longer."
She gives me a glare that means she's deciding whether to argue about it, and then she turns and walks up the stairs. I follow herand try very hard not to watch her ass the entire way, but I fail completely.
When we get into the living room, I see the couch has a duvet on it and the relief that moves through me is embarrassing. Luke comes out of the bathroom in a towel and grins at me like he knows exactly what he's doing.
"What the fuck?" I say. "Put some clothes on."
He laughs. "You've got it really bad, Austin. I slept on the couch, just like you were hoping. I'm getting dressed now and then I'm leaving. You're early though, so..." He grabs his bag and disappears into Savannah's bedroom.
"Austin. Calm down. He's my friend, not that it's any of your business anyway."
"You are my business, Sav. You're always my business." I sit down at her table and wait while Luke gets dressed. Savannah disappears into the bedroom to change and comes back out in black jeans and a top. I decide not to look at her too closely or this conversation is never going to happen.
Luke comes through from the bedroom, bag over his shoulder, and he stops in front of me. He doesn't look like someone who's intimidated and I respect him for it even if right now I don't particularly want to.
"Don't hurt her," he says. "Don't think with your dick here. Think about her heart. You crushed it once and it's going to take a lot to put it back together. She is the reason you're still single, I know that. But don't just think she's a quick fuck for old time's sake, because she is never just that. Never."
I stand and take a step toward him, and he doesn't move an inch. "I didn't want to hurt her back then," I say. "There was a reason for it. I don't want to hurt her now. That’s the last thing I want to do. She just needs to hear my side and then decide for herself."
He looks at me for a moment longer, then he puts his hand out. I shake it. He's her person, I get that. He's been in her corner all this time and she deserves that and I like him for it even if I don't want to say so out loud.
He goes downstairs and I hear them saying goodbye. When Savannah comes back up, she closes the door and looks at me. "Do you want coffee? I work better with coffee."
"Please."
The room is quiet while she makes it. She puts the cup down in front of me without asking how I take it. She just knows. She's always known. She sits down across from me, holding her mug in two hands, and looks at me over the top of it.
"So. Talk."
I wrap my hands around my mug and look at her. Here we go. Ten years of this sitting in my chest. Now I have to say it out loud and get it right.
"Ten years ago, you were the most ambitious, beautiful woman I'd ever known. You knew what you wanted and you were going to go and get it. You wanted to be a doctor. I knew that. I knew it like I knew my own name." I hold her eyes. "You asked me to come with you. You asked me so many times. And I thought about it. I really did. But I didn't have anything going for me, Sav. Shit grades, no plan, no idea what I was going to do with my life. And then I realized I wanted the club. The Black Saints gaveme something to look forward to every day, a purpose, a family. I knew I wasn't going to follow you to med school."
"Keep going."
"I knew long distance would be hard. I knew what the clubhouse was like and you would have spent six years imagining what was happening there and it would have eaten you alive. And I would have spent three years going mad not knowing who you were with or whether you were okay, and it would have driven a wedge between us that we couldn't come back from. I knew all of this. I thought about it for weeks." I put the mug down. "And then I made the worst decision I’ve ever made in my life."
She's watching me carefully. Not softening yet but listening.
"I invited you to the clubhouse. I made sure you would find me with Raven. I thought it was the only thing that would make you hate me enough to leave and not look back. I thought if I made you hate me, you'd go and you'd be free of it. Free of me." I stop. "I was wrong. I know that now. I think I knew it then, if I'm honest with you."
