Page 49 of Clueless
He let me down slowly, making sure I was steady before he kissed me.“You don’t know how much I needed this tonight.I’ve been making myself crazy the past few days, wondering if I was going to lose you when I told you…”
“That you don’t want kids.”I sighed, wishing we didn’t have to talk or think about it anymore tonight, but knowing it wouldn’t go away just because we chose to avoid it.
“I don’t know what the hell I want.”He stepped back, running a hand over his head before bending to pick up my clothes, then his.“I feel like I don’t even deserve a second chance at being a dad, if you want to know the truth.”
Now we were getting somewhere.I could work with fear and help him through it, if he wanted to be a parent.But I wouldn’t try to change his mind if it was something he was sure he didn’t want.
“Let me ask you a really scary question,” I said, getting dressed slowly as I watched him do the same.“Sometimes that helps people get to the crux of how they really feel about something, when they’re confused.”
He looked hesitant, but said, “Okay.”
“How would you react right now, in this moment, if I said, ‘Taz, I’m pregnant’?”
His gaze dropped to my stomach before he released a shaky breath.“My first thought?Fear.Second thought?I’d lay down my life to protect you and that baby.”
Wow.This man, with his fierce but simple words, got me every time.
I nodded.“That’s what I thought.”
“It’s different, I guess,” he whispered.“Thinking about the woman I love being pregnant with my baby.I wasn’t in love with Quinn’s mama.I was just a kid, incarcerated?—”
“But you’re different now.”I needed him to really hear that and believe that.“You’re a grown man, with an incredible career, a home of your own, and you’ve paid your debts, Taz.You’re free now.Free to be whoever you want to be and have whatever kind of life you want for yourself.”
He reached for my hand, pulling me close.“But having a wife like you.Jesus, that seems like… too much, for a guy like me.”
“That’s because you’re looking in the mirror and still seeing that ex-con,” I said, tapping his temple.“That’s your mind playing tricks on you.”I knew I had to tread lightly.I was in therapist mode right now, trying like hell not to be.“But you need to start seeing yourself as you are.Not as you were.”
“How do I do that?”he asked, frowning.
“Watch the videos.”I knew how powerful it could be for people to literally see themselves in a new light, because humans were visual, and saw the world in images.“The ones of yourself that went viral, the one I shot at Jimmy’s, and the ones that will be posted of your concerts with Mav.”
He groaned, shaking his head.“I hate looking at pictures of myself.Now you want me to watch videos?”
“Is it because you look at pictures of yourself and still see your mugshot?”
The fact that he paled, told me I’d nailed it.“You need to erase that image.Replace it with new ones.Images of the man you are today, not the kid you were then.”
“Girl, you blow my mind.”
I smiled, touching his cheek.“That’s kind of my job.”
“I’m glad I fell in love with a therapist.No way could any other woman have handled my crazy.”
I laughed as I wrapped my arms around him.“You’re not crazy, my love.You’re just imperfect, like we all are.”
ChapterSixteen
Taz
I’d only been on the road three days and I was already missing Grace.How crazy was that?
Mav texted me after the show and asked if I wanted to go out for a bite to eat.Since I was too wired to sleep and my girl had gone to a birthday party for a friend from school, I agreed.
We’d decided to meet up at a nearby restaurant with live entertainment, and I noticed Mav’s security discreetly having a drink at the bar when I walked in.Since no one was at the hostess stand, and his security had their eyes glued on a dark corner in the back, I headed in that direction.
Mav grinned when he spotted me, waving me over.
“Hey man,” I said, sliding into the booth across from him.“Great show tonight.”
