Page 67 of Speechless
“I did it to us.” His eyes filled with tears. “And I hate myself for that. Just tell me how to fix it, Codie. I’ll do anything. Private counselling or—”
“Do whatever you feelyouneed to do.” I shook my head, wondering if everything I said to him tonight would fall on deaf ears because he was too wrapped up in self-disgust and self-loathing to hear it. “Your journey can’t be about me or anyone else. Not if you expect to come out of this whole.”
He tipped his head back, staring at the ceiling. “Whole? What the hell does that even mean?”
“I know what it means for me, but you have to define that for yourself.”
His expression was sad when he asked, “How’d you get so smart?”
“Years of meetings. Years of therapy and journalling and reading and making mistakes and learning from them.”
His sharp intake of breath spoke more than words could when he said, “I don’t feel like I have years to figure this out. By then you’ll meet someone else, fall in love with them, and forget all about me.”
I wasn’t a heartless bitch. I couldn’t stem the flow of tears if I tried, in the face of his gut-wrenching anguish. “I could never forget you, Mav. Not as long as I live.” I tapped my finger against his temple before resting my hand against his racing heart. “You need to get right here, and here. Foryou. And if you can’t do it for yourself, do it for me, but because I love you and want you to be well, not because you’re trying to get me back.”
His expression was pained when he whispered, “Please, I need you.”
I curled my hands around his face, my heart aching with the pain he was feeling. “No, you need to find that inner strength that I know is in there. You need to take care of that little kid that’s still inside of you. The one who didn’t get the love he needed from his parents growing up. You need to learn to love yourself. Then, and only then, will you be ready for a relationship.”
He swiped a hand over his head, taking a step back. “What the hell am I supposed to do in the meantime? How do I even do this when I’m on the road?”
“You could do online therapy.” I hoped he would take me up on my suggestion, but I knew the decision had to be his, and he had to be ready to face all those old monsters locked in his mind.
“Yeah, I guess I could.”
“And all of this pain you’re feeling, channel it into your music. Let it out. Don’t keep it locked in. I’ve always journalled about my feelings and it’s been an amazing outlet.” I smiled. “But you’re a songwriter. You could channel it into incredible songs that would probably help a lot of people. And who knows? You just might get another platinum-selling record out of your recovery.”
His laugh was more of a huff when he said, “Maybe.”
I re-claimed his guitar-calloused hands, looking into his eyes. “I want the best for you. And I’m really glad that you came back into my life. We got to deal with stuff and say things I’ve wanted to say to you for years.”
“This isn’t good-bye, Codie. I won’t let it be.”
“Maybe, maybe not.” I rolled forward on my toes, gently kissing his lips. “But it has to be good-bye for now.”
He nodded. “I know, I understand.” He inhaled deeply. “I love you so damn much.”
“I love you too. And a part of me always will.”
“I’m gonna get right, baby. For me and for you. ‘Cause I really believe we belong together and I want to make all our dreams come true.”
I had no doubt he believed that, but I had no idea whether his life or mine would take us in completely different directions. “Work on making all your dreams come true. And I’ll be cheering you on with likes and hearts.”
He smirked. “You’ll follow me on social media?”
“Of course!” I winked. “How else will I know if you write any more songs about me?”
He hauled me against his chest, wrapping his arms around me, while kissing the top of my head. “Every song will be about you, beautiful.”
* * *
Me and Mama were taking Gracie out to lunch for her birthday. Thankfully I was the first to arrive, so I could get my bearings before having to face the firing squad. I was determined to keep the focus where it belonged today: on my sister. But I couldn’t be sure Mama would do the same. I hadn’t seen or spoken to her since her chat with Mav in his truck and she would probably have plenty to say about it.
“There you are,” Mama said, rushing in and claiming the bench seat across from me. “Why the heck did you sit all the way back here?”
“I thought it would give us a little more privacy.” In case she planned to go off on me about Mav again.
“Your sister just called and said she was running a bit late, but would be here in a few.”
