Page 62 of Speechless
“Nothing!” She folded her arms and stared straight ahead. “Because you’re not worthy of Codie and you never will be.”
“I think that’s for Codie to decide, don’t you?”
“She can’t think clearly when it comes to you. She’s always had a soft spot for you.” She rolled her eyes. “Though Lord knows why. Sure, some might say you’re easy on the eyes, and you have a decent voice, I guess, but that’s about all you have going for you.”
“I know you don’t like men very much.” I figured the direct approach was probably best, since I wasn’t getting anywhere being polite and respectful. “And I gave you good reason to hate me, but your daughter can scour every square mile of this Earth and never find a man who loves her as much as I do.”
Her lips twisted, like she’d eaten something sour. “The only person you’ve ever loved is yourself.”
“You’re wrong. I’ve always hated myself. Aside from my brother, Codie is the only person who’s ever really loved me. And she’s teaching me how to love myself. Because if she sees something in me, I can’t be all bad.”
Her eyes narrowed as she sized me up. “I’ve always wondered what she saw in you. I’ll admit, when I saw you singing on that awards show a couple of months ago, I might’ve seen a glimpse of it. I guess you have, what do they call it, that star quality.”
I wasn’t sure I’d ever feel like a star, no matter how many albums I sold, but it was nice to know other people saw it. “I’m just a guy, Ms. Harlow. One who’s made a hell of a lot of mistakes. And the biggest mistake I ever made was hurting your daughter, but I swear to you, I broke up with her for the right reason.”
“Oh, this I got to hear.”
“I was an alcoholic. Even way back then. Still am, always will be.”
“And?”
“I was destroying myself. And I loved Codie too much to risk destroying her.”
“But you did destroy her!”
“I had no idea things would turn out the way they did. I hate that I put her through hell. But I can tell you this, she came out of it stronger—”
“Shut up!”
“Okay.” I wouldn’t let her win by getting under my skin and shouting back at her. That’s something the old Mav would have done. But I wanted to prove to her and myself that I had changed.
“It took her years to feel strong enough to resist a drink. To trust herself to love another man. And after you, she got mixed up with a man who beat her—”
“I know,” I said, softly. “I know all about it. And I can’t tell you how sorry I am. If I could’ve protected her—”
“If you’d cared enough to stick around, she would never have gotten mixed up with that animal in the first place.”
I was beginning to understand there were layers to her rage. Starting with the man who’d abandoned her. Her daughter’s alcoholism—which she blamed on me. And her daughter’s abusive ex—which she also blamed on me.
“You’re right. But she would’ve been tied to a different kind of animal. I never would have hurt her, physically, but I would have hurt her every damn day. I have no doubt about that. I hated myself, so I was trying to drink myself into an early grave. She would have had to stand by and watch me do that, feeling helpless to stop me. And I couldn’t put her through that. So, you see, pushing her away was the kindest thing I could have done for her back then.”
“Why do you men always pretend to be martyrs? You’re cowards, that’s what you are. Things get hard and you put your tail between your legs and run.”
I hoped her daughter, the therapist, would one day find a way to help her let go of all of her rage so she could find peace, because I wouldn’t wish her kind of internal war on my worst enemy.
“I know I’m not going to convince you that what I did was right. Maybe it wasn’t. I don’t know. All I do know is that I was a messed-up kid, with a substance abuse problem who couldn’t think straight.”
“Say whatever you want, you won’t convince me.”
“I can live with that.”
Her look was fierce when she said, “So help me, if you hurt her again, I will kill you. And I’m not even kidding. It would be worth the jail time.”
Her eyes met mine and all I could see was someone who loved Codie with the same ferocity I did. Who would lay down their own life to protect her, just like I would.
“Message received.”
“That’s all you have to say?”
