Page 55 of Speechless
She closed her eyes, sighing. “I get that. And I appreciate it, I do.”
“But?”
“It’s just… a lot. I never expected this thing between us to get so serious, so fast.”
I loved that she felt that way because I did too. I couldn’t control my feelings for her. I couldn’t help that every time I looked into her eyes, I saw a big ‘ole diamond on her finger, a long white dress, and at least a few babies calling me daddy.
“I know, and I’m not trying to overwhelm you, sweetheart.” I leaned in, kissing her softly. “Take all the time you need. We’ll take this slow. But the press moves at breakneck speed, trust me. And they will be all over this story. I haven’t had a girlfriend since I broke onto the scene, just random dates at most events, so when they find out I’m actually with the woman who’s inspired most of my music, you can bet your sweet ass they’ll want to know more.”
“Most?” she asked, raising an eyebrow. “If I inspired most of your music, who inspired the rest?”
I laughed, loving that she wasn’t so damn secure she never got jealous. “The rest of my songs are drinking songs… or songs about my family, friends.” I shrugged. “The life I want to have. You know, stuff like that.”
“Believe me, I know. I’ve memorized, word for word, every song you’ve ever written.”
My jaw dropped. “Seriously?”
A sweet blush stained her cheeks as she dipped her head. “Yeah. You know I was always the biggest fan of your music. Once I was able to start hearing it on the radio and downloading it, why wouldn’t I?”
“Uh, because you hated my guts?”
“I didn’t hate you, Mav.” She stroked my cheek. “I couldn’t hate you. I did, for a few years. But part of my recovery involved forgiving you for hurting me and forgiving myself for loving you.”
It hurt to know she felt she had to forgive herself for loving me, but I got it.
“Speaking of recovery,” she said, swallowing. “I think that issue is actually a lot more important than fielding press questions.”
I didn’t like where she was going with this, but I knew we had to talk about it.
“The program saved my life, Mav. And it’s saved millions of other lives. I live my life according to those principles and know the recommendations are in place for a reason.”
“I get that. But you can’t control when you fall in love—”
“No, but one of the principles is self-discipline. And if you can’t respect the recommendation not to get involved in a relationship for at least a year, how will you have the discipline not to take a drink?”
I scowled at her. “I’m not waiting a year to be with you, Codie.”
“I’m not suggesting that—”
“I promise you, I will treat every principle as gospel. I’ll read passages from the Big Book every day, like I would the Bible, but I won’t wait a year to be with you, so don’t ask me to do that.”
“Have you talked to Trey about this? He is your sponsor and I bet he’d have some good advice for you.”
I sighed. “You’re not hearing me. I. Love. You. I want to build a life with you.”
“Does your sobriety depend on that?” she asked, looking grim. “If we were together for six months and broke up, would you stay sober or use our break-up as an excuse to drink?”
“That’s not a fair question and you know it. A recovering alcoholic can’t predict what might set them off.”
“No, but it’s best to avoid situations that may trigger you, and romantic relationships are often triggering. That’s why it’s best to avoid them in the early days of recovery.”
I growled. “Ugh! I hate that you know so much about this shit.”
“I learned it the hard way, unfortunately.”
That got my attention. “Did you get involved with someone too early and derail your recovery?”
She nodded. “He was like you in so many ways. The worst possible choice I could have made in a partner.” She raised her eyes to mine. “He was abusive—”
