Page 13 of Speechless
“How’d you guys meet?”
“At a fundraiser.”
“Seriously?”
I bit back a snarky retort, determined to keep it civilized. “Why does that surprise you? I go to charity gigs all the time. It’s good for business. I meet a lot of people and depending on the event, I might donate my services during the silent auction, to raise money for a good cause.”
“That’s cool.” He smiled. “I love that you still care about giving back.”
He’d always teased me about being a do-gooder in school because I was involved in community causes through the school that raised money for various causes. I did it because I knew what it felt like to go hungry. I knew what it felt like to be evicted from your home, with nowhere to go. I knew what it meant to have a single mom who was barely hanging on. And a little sister who’d turned into a latch key kid. If I could do something to make someone else’s life a little better, I’d always felt it was my duty.
“I do what’s right.” Looking him in the eye, I couldn’t resist adding, “Unlike some people.” I swore I wouldn’t rehash the past or allow myself to conjure up shit I was supposed to have forgiven and forgotten, but this may be my one shot to clear the air with him. And find out why the hell he bailed on me when I was counting on him.
“I’m sorry.” He hung his head, drawing a deep breath. “I was a coward, and I hate myself for that. But I couldn’t let you waste any more time on me, Codie. You were going away to college, and as much as it hurt to admit, I knew you’d be meeting guys who’d be a hell of a lot better for you than I was. Who could give you things I couldn’t.”
“I call bullshit.” I suspected he’d give me some lame-ass answer like that. He always claimed I’d ‘outgrow’ him when I went away to school. “I think you assumed I’d dump you and you wanted to beat me to it, to save face.”
He shook his head before breaking eye contact when he closed his eyes. “You couldn’t be more wrong. I didn’t give a shit about myself. Never in my life had I put another person first, but when I let you go, I was trying to do what I thought was best for you. I swear.”
I couldn’t allow him to be the martyr in this. If he was, it would mean I couldn’t go on being pissed at him, and I really needed to be pissed, because he still made me feel things that terrified me.
We ate in silence for a few minutes while I stewed on all the voice mails and texts he ignored. I even showed up on his doorstep one night when I’d learned his parents would be out, and banged so hard and loud I bruised my hand and woke his crazy neighbors. But I’d been the crazy one that night. Drunk. Heartbroken. Feeling worthless and rejected. I was at my worst then and it had taken me years to re-build and regain my self-esteem.
“You were home that night, weren’t you?”
He didn’t even bother to ask what I was talking about. He knew. “Yeah.” He sighed, pushing his half-empty plate away. “I hated putting you through that, but I knew if I came down, if I saw your face again, I’d cave. We’d have sex, and I’d never want to let you go again.”
Sex had always been the language we used to communicate. Everything we’d been too young and scared to say, we’d said in bed, with our bodies. No one else had ever spoken my language since. And I hated Mav for that.
The waitress stopped by the table to clear our plates. We both declined dessert before I reached for my purse. I threw a few bills on the table, causing Mav to swear softly before trying to shove them back in my hand.
“Don’t go,” he pleaded. “There’s so much more I need to say to you, Codie. So much more I need to know.”
I shook my head, fighting back tears as I slid out of the booth. I wasn’t a crier anymore. I’d cried a lot in the early days of my recovery, but since then I’d developed a hard outer shell that was nearly impossible to penetrate and I’d be damned if I’d let Mav get to me tonight.
He reached into his pocket and tossed some bills on the table, without waiting for the waitress to return with the bill.
I ran-walked to the elevator, wondering what people would think if they recognized Mav. They’d probably assume he was having a fight with his girlfriend and snap pictures or video to post to social media. That was the last thing I needed. I couldn’t handle my clients, family, friends, or Austin questioning me about my relationship with Mav.
“Please,” he whispered, stepping up behind me as I pounded on the elevator button. “Let me get a room.”
I spun around, glaring at him. “Are you out of your mind? You actually think I’d go back to your room?”
“Just to talk,” he said, raising his hands. “We need privacy to say all the shit I need to say to you.”
“No.” I stepped on the elevator and thankfully he didn’t try to follow me. “We said all we have to say to each other tonight. Now let’s forget we ever saw each other and get on with our lives.” I punched the button to take me up to my floor. “You had no problem doing that before.” As an afterthought, I added, “Good luck with your sobriety, Mav. I really hope, for your sake, you can stay sober.”
ChapterFive
Maverick
I knew it was probably career suicide, but when Austin stopped by my bus the next day to talk about some new songs I’d sent him, I couldn’t resist the urge to mention Codie.
“I hear we have a mutual friend.” I was sitting on the sectional, tuning my guitar as I prepared to play him a few of the songs he’d asked to hear. “Codie Harlow.”
His smile lit up his face when he said, “You know Codie? She’s amazing, isn’t she?” He shook his head before I had a chance to respond. “Not the type I usually go for, I admit. But there’s something about that girl. I tell ya, Mav, I can’t get her out of my head.”
Welcome to my world.“We dated in high school.” I didn’t know why I was telling him this. It would just give Codie another reason to resent me, but I needed Austin to know I’d once meant something to her. “Broke up when she went away to college.”
