Page 62 of Dirty Mind
“But you’re still working for him?”
I could tell she was on to me but was trying to let me spill my secrets on my time. “Yeah, why not, right? It’s a good job. Pay and benefits are great and I need to make money so I can afford my own place.” Living with my parents after so many years of independence was hell, but decent apartments downtown weren’t cheap and I wanted a little cushion before taking the leap on my own.
“So, there’s nothing between you and Dade then?” she asked, taking a seat on the cream sectional while patting the cushion next to her. “Strictly professional? ‘Cause that’s not the impression Mama gave me.”
“You’re gonna listen to Mama?” I asked, dropping down beside her. “Hell, she’d probably pay Dade to marry me, even if it meant mortgaging the house. That’s how desperate she is to get me married off.”
Cece laughed, patting my leg. “I don’t think Dade can be bought, so you’re safe.”
If I’d had a half-decent boyfriend before, one who could be persuaded, I had no doubt Mama would have offered a hefty sum in exchange for a wedding date.
“Safe,” I repeated, thinking Dade was the one playing it safe. Trying to avoid making a fool of himself or risking another broken heart. He was locked in his gold bubble, lined with all his millions and platinum records, and not much else. “Safety’s overrated if you ask me. Taking risks, that’s living. Even if you get screwed, at least you can say you tried.”
Cece raised an eyebrow. “Ok, where’d that come from?”
I shook my head, pinching my lips shut. “Never mind, doesn’t matter.”
“You have feelings for him, don’t you?” She sighed when I refused to answer. “Damn it, I was afraid this would happen. That’s why I didn’t want you working for him. You can’t see your crush every day without—”
“Damn it, Cece! This isn’t some stupid crush!” I was tired of people belittling what I felt for Dade. Maybe ifhehad any idea, he wouldn’t be so quick to throw it away.
“Hey, I’m sorry,” she said, squeezing my hand. “I didn’t mean to piss you off. I’m just trying to figure out what’s goin’ on with you. So maybe I can help?”
“You can’t.” But I loved her for trying. “We have to figure this out on our own.” My gut twisted every time I thought about how far apart we were. Working in the same office, not more than ten feet apart, yet we may as well have been in separate continents. He couldn’t meet me halfway and I couldn’t risk it all for a man who wasn’t willing to do the same for me.
“Tell me what’s been going on,” she said, softly. “It’s obvious something has.”
“I fell for him.” I closed my eyes before tucking my legs up under me. “I knew it was stupid. He warned me against it, but the more time I spent with him, the more I liked him. We connected.” I’d come this far, no reason to hold back now. “In and out of bed.” I met her eyes. “It was hot. Like a whole ‘nother level of hot, if you wanna know the truth. I guess that’s making it harder to get over him.”
“I think you’re lying to yourself if you’re trying to pass it off as great sex. That wouldn’t have you tied up in knots like this, kid.”
Huh. And I thought I’d been hiding it so well. But no one knew my heart better than Cece. “It’s more than the sex, obviously. It’s everything. He got me. I got him. We’d both survived shitty relationships and I thought this time was different. But I guess I was lying to myself.”
“Have you tried talking to him about it?”
“No point. He’s made it clear he can’t go public with another relationship and I refuse to be his plaything behind closed doors.”
Cece winced. “Plaything? That’s harsh, don’t you think? I’ve known Dade a long time. He doesn’t use women, Charli.”
Maybe I wasn’t being fair. And maybe I didn’t even have the right to be angry. It’s not like he’d ever lied to me. He’d been upfront from day one about his limitations, and I chose to ignore his warnings. Which made the gut-wrenching pain I felt every time I looked at him… my fault.
“I know that.” I extended my arm along the back of the sofa, leaning my head on it. “I don’t feel he used me. He was upfront. Tried to protect me. Offered me a great job and he’s still looking out for me, I guess, trying to keep me out of his spotlight.”
“But you don’t want to live in the shadows,” Cece said. “I get that. Knox and I were trying to keep things on the QT with our relationship in the beginning too. We didn’t want the crew to know until we were sure it was gonna work out. But it wasn’t easy. We were crazy about each other and no matter how hard you try, you just can’t hide that.”
“Hmm.” Which was why I’d invited a buffer to the party, hoping Dade would keep his distance if I was with Max. I didn’t want to be another hashtag and I sure as hell didn’t want him to feel like protecting me was his responsibility. So, the only way to avoid that? Avoidance. As hard as it would be, I’d just have to pretend he wasn’t even there tonight.
* * *
Dade
It felt good to re-connect with my friends, but my head and heart were with Charli. As the party drew closer, the sense that I’d made a huge mistake started to overwhelm me.
She’d moved out of my house and written me off, just like she said she would.
And it was killing me.
Seeing her every day and not being able to touch her was a special kind of hell. I understood why she’d taken a stand. She had every right to expect more from me, but the internal struggle I was battling was wearing me down.
