Page 53 of Dirty Mind
“I don’t doubt it,” he said, taking one last drag of his cigar before snuffing it out. “So, why did you bail then?”
“Didn’t have a choice.” I shrugged. “I couldn’t stay with a woman who didn’t love me anymore, who said I made her miserable because I was so selfish—”
“Are you selfish?” he asked. “Maybe that’s your problem. Relationships are all about give and take. If all you’re doin’ is takin’ it ain’t gonna last long.”
Sometimes I felt like I was the only one giving in my previous relationships, but it never seemed to be enough for my partners. They always wanted more. More money. More time. More vacations. More nights out on the town. More clothes. More jewelry.Morestarted to feel like a chant that was taking up too much space in my head by the time I finally called it quits because I just didn’t have any more to give. I was wrung out. Tired of fighting. Tired of not being enough. Tired of failing and being miserable.
“I know what it takes to make a marriage work,” I said, clearing my throat. “My parents were a great example when I was growing up. The first time I got married, I thought we could build the kind of relationship they had, but it wasn’t meant to be.” I held my cigar between my teeth, taking one last pull before pressing it into the ashtray. “I guess that’s what I’ve been chasing all my life, a love like that.”
“Were you in love with any of these girls?” His voice was gruff as he crossed his arms, waiting. “And don’t bullshit me. I can see right through assholes who tell me what I want to hear.”
“Was I?” I considered the question a long time before I said, “I thought I was at the time.” It was hard to admit the truth, but necessary. This wasn’t about being honest with Chee. It was about being honest with myself. “But in the end… no. They were all wrong for me.”
“Hmm.” He stroked his beard before he asked, “And what kind of lady do you think is right for you?”
I sighed, tipping my head back as I stretched my legs out. “I’m not sure I even want to think about that right now, to be honest.”
“Why not?”
“Because if I did, I’d have to admit that Charli seems pretty damn perfect for me.”
“And that’s a problem?”
“It is.”
I couldn’t believe I was having this conversation with her father, of all people, but it had been a long time since I’d felt comfortable enough to open up to someone like this. And I had to get this shit out before it ate me alive.
“Why?”
“Charli told me tonight that she wants a man who’ll fight for her.” I glanced at her old man. “And that’s what she deserves.”
“Agreed.”
“Fighting for a relationship…” I shook my head. “It feels like that’s all I’ve been doing for the past ten years. Fighting for one relationship, one woman, after another. I’m so damn tired of fighting.”
He nodded. “That’s understandable. But were any of those women worth fighting for?”
“No.” It’s not that they were terrible people. They may have been shallow and selfish, but I’d gone into every relationship with my eyes wide open, so I only had myself to blame. “But that didn’t stop me from fighting. I thought that’s what I was supposed to do. Giving up felt like failure and I was sick of failing.” In every other area of my life I’d conquered every challenge I’d faced, but being a three-time loser at marriage was a horse pill to swallow.
Chee laced his hands behind his head. “I guess you and I look at failure differently then.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve made plenty of mistakes in my life, but never viewed them as failures. That was just shit I had to go through to figure things out. Lessons learned, I guess.”
I chuckled, but it felt rough and raspy. “You think I needed two failed marriages and an engagement just to learn I’m not cut out for marriage?”
He tipped his head, studying me. “I think you needed those experiences to teach you a lesson about choosing the right woman next time.”
I closed my eyes, wondering if there was any truth to what he was saying. Could that be the real lesson in the chaos of the past decade? “I don’t know, man. Truth is, I’m having a hell of a time trusting my instincts right now.”
“No doubt.” He grinned. “But those guys who think they know it all, who’ve got it all figured out, are the ones who’ll fall the hardest when the rug gets ripped out from under ‘em.” He slapped my back. “Good thing about where you’re at? You’re flat on your back, questioning whether you have the strength to get back up again.” He smiled. “Could be you just need a helping hand from someone who cares.”
I immediately thought of Charli. My gut told me she’d started to care about me. And the feeling was definitely mutual, but could I let her in? Risk hurting her? That scared me even more than the possibility of being hurt again.
* * *
“You’re kinda quiet,” Charli said, as we drove down the dark country roads on the way back to my place. “I hope my dad wasn’tthatbad.”
