Page 80 of Payback
Chapter Twenty
Their lot – Loran’s lot – was the last place Bella wanted to be, but she was the one to get the call when there was a question, since it was her design, and as far as anyone knew, their house.
She’d addressed the contractor’s concern and agreed to bump out the closet in the nursery another foot to compensate for a beam. The nursery. God, they’d built all of their dreams around this house. And staring up at it now, from the very spot where Loran had proposed to her, made her heart break all over again.
Could she really let go of him… of all of their plans for the future, as hurt and angry as she was? She wasn’t a vindictive person. She believed in forgiveness and knew people were entitled to make mistakes. Lord knew she wasn’t perfect. But she kept coming back to the trust issue. The fact that her fiancée thought it was conceivable that she’d sleep with another man left her feeling gutted.
As soon as she recognized his truck pull in the long gravel drive she thought about bailing, but when he pulled up right next to her car, she knew it was too late.
She saw Loran exchange a few words with the contractor before he gestured down the hill, to the spot where she rested on a rock in front of the lake. Busted. Not that she would have really cut and run. She wasn’t a coward.
He walked slowly, giving her a chance to react, before they were finally face to face.
“Bella.” Her name was a broken whisper, as though he was battling his emotions.
He wasn’t the only one. It felt like there was a golf ball lodged in her throat. “How’d you know I’d be here?” she asked, finally.
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.” She cleared her throat. “I’d ask what you’re doing here, but it is your house.”
“Our house.”
Those two little words cut to the quick, because they didn’t share the land, the house… or anything anymore. They didn’t even have a shared vision of the future after last night, something she’d been so sure she could always count on.
“Can we talk?”
She knew she couldn’t avoid it forever. She didn’t think for a moment when she handed back his engagement that would be the last time they spoke. He was one of her brother’s best friends. Godfather to his children. Of course she would see him again.
“Might as well get it over with,” she said, gesturing to the rock beside her.
He winced, but sat down. “I don’t mean to push you—”
“If that were true you wouldn’t be here.” She didn’t mean to be cruel, but she was still too raw to be kind. “You’d give me time and space to figure things out.”
He looked hopeful when he asked, “Does that mean you’re still considering the possibility of…” He looked down at his laced hands and a pained expression crossed his handsome face. “Taking me back?”
Loran was so perfect, but in so many ways, broken. She wanted him to heal, to recognize his worth, and the gift they’d been given, in each other. Why couldn’t he do that?
When she didn’t respond, he sighed. “I came to realize a few things today, about myself, and us.”
“I’m listening.” She appreciated the fact that he was willing to open up to her. A lot of men would just shut down instead of being vulnerable.
“I’ve been punishing myself for a long time.” He stared out at the icy water instead of looking at her.
“Why?”
He cleared his throat, absently running his thumb over his bare left finger, where the wedding band she’d had made for him would have rested. “What happened with my old man. It hit me hard, Bella. I’m not making excuses, and I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. That’s not what this is about.” He finally looked at her. “I hope you believe that.”
“I do.” She knew he would never use something as tragic as his father’s death to score sympathy points. He wasn’t that kind of man.
He nodded. “Good.” He rubbed his eyes. “I, uh, hated myself for a long time after he died. The guilt was eating me alive.”
She wanted to put her arms around him. In spite of the pain he’d caused her, she still loved him. “You had no reason to feel guilty.”
He nodded, closing his eyes. “Maybe not, but I did, just the same. I can help strangers, but I couldn’t help my own father. What does that say about me?”
“That you were hurt and angry, rightly so.” If she’d met Loran’s father she would have had a few choice words for him, knowing how much his actions harmed his son. “He doesn’t get a free pass, just because of the way he died. He still has to be held accountable for his actions.”
