Page 81 of Payback
He looked at her a long time before he said, “That’s what this is about,” he said, “accountability. Owning my mistakes. The ones I made with my father. And with you.” He sighed. “And those are linked, in ways I didn’t understand until today.”
She’d always suspected he was holding on to a lot of guilt where his father was concerned, but he rarely talked about it and she didn’t feel she should force the issue. “How so?”
“Like I said, I hated myself. Blamed myself.” He raked a hand through his hair. “I didn’t think I was worthy of love or forgiveness or… you.”
She was itching to reach out to him, but held back. This was important and she didn’t want to muddy the waters by making this about them. This was about Loran and his past. The decisions that made him the man he was, and whether he was interested in forgiving himself, so they could both forge a new path.
“But I realized I am worthy.” His voice sounded stronger when he said, “It wasn’t my fault my father left. It wasn’t my fault he made the decisions he did, and it certainly wasn’t my fault he died.”
“No, it wasn’t,” she said, softly. “I’m glad you understand that now.”
“I do.” He licked his lips, bowing his head. “What I said to you last night, that was my fault. I own that.” He looked her in the eyes, his brimming with tears. “And you’ll never know how sorry I am.”
“Why?” she whispered, letting her own tears fall. “How could you ever think—”
“I didn’t think you’d willingly sleep with someone else.” He sighed. “I thought maybe you’d gone on a business trip and had too much to drink or someone had slipped something in your drink. I know it sounds crazy, but your mind goes to all kinds of crazy places when you’re battling these inner demons, Bella.”
She knew a thing or two about battling demons, so she could relate. And this man had been standing beside her, holding her hand, when she finally slayed hers. That had to count for something, didn’t it?
He reached for her hand and she let him have it. The chill she’d been battling seemed to recede with the warmth of his hand pouring through hers. He shifted so they were facing each other and took her other hand as well, bringing them to his lips.
“I hate that you miscarried and I wasn’t there to hold you when you found out.” He closed his eyes before looking into hers. “That’s something I have to live with. I hated myself for what I said to you last night, but I realized I can’t go on hating myself and loving you at the same time. It’s not right. Not healthy. That’s what happened this time. I was battling my hate for myself and my love for you and the hate won. It’ll win every time, Bella. If I let it.”
“You don’t deserve to hate yourself.” She was still coming to terms with the things he said last night, but she knew two things for sure: Loran was a good man and he loved her. “And I could never hate you. I hope you know that.”
He seemed hesitant, but finally asked, “But do you still love me?”
“Of course,” she whispered, her lip trembling when he brushed a tear off her cheek with his fingertip. “You don’t just stop loving someone overnight.”
“But can you still marry me?” When she didn’t respond, he said, “Please, Bella. Please say yes.”
“I can’t.” She wanted to, but she needed more time to process everything that had happened. The things he said to her both last night and today. This was the rest of their lives they were talking about and she needed to be one hundred percent sure before they took their vows.
His head dropped and he sucked in a breath.
“I need more time, Loran. To think—”
“Then you’re not saying no?” His eyes were wide, hopeful. “You’re saying maybe?”
“I guess I am.”
“That’s enough for now, baby.” He drew her close, whispering fiercely as his lips caressed hers, “I love you so much, Bella. Nothing in my life makes sense without you.”
***
Loran was slowly losing his mind. It had been two days since he and Bella had last spoken. He was trying to give her the time and space she’d asked for, but every hour without her felt like days, and it was tearing him up inside.
He picked up her engagement ring off the coffee table and held it between his thumb and forefinger. It was a flawless diamond. Perfect, just like she was. He knew Bella had her flaws, just like everyone, but she felt so damn perfect for him. That’s what made this so hard. He hadn’t just screwed up with a woman he loved. He’d lost his soul mate. The one woman he believed he was meant to spend his life loving and protecting.
He’d been so lost in thought he hadn’t heard the fall of footsteps until he looked up and saw her watching him.
“Bella.” He stood, but didn’t know if he was supposed to go to her. Was she coming to tell him she was coming home or moving out? He stayed rooted to the spot, curling his hands into fists. “It’s good to see you.”
She set her key on the sofa back table. The key to their house was on a keychain he didn’t recognize and it was all alone, instead of interspersed with a dozen others. That couldn’t be good.
“Um, you want something to drink?” He was trying to delay the inevitable. If she was going to tell him it was over, he didn’t want to hear it.
“No thanks, I’m good.” She crossed the room and sat down beside him, reaching for his hand. “I’ve missed you.”
