Page 8 of Sticks and Stones
She considered feigning a yawn and ending the conversation before he could explain, but heard herself ask, “Since when do you let anything come before your music? Besides, you have commitments, right? A band to think of, a manager and record label who’ll be riding you if you don’t produce.” She sighed, getting tired just thinking about all of the demands on his time. “Then there’ll be the tour to promote the album. It’ll take you around the world, no doubt.”
“What if I just stopped, told them I was done?”
“Like that would ever happen.” She used to believe it would. She’d try to imagine what their lives would be like when Gunnar was finally ready to slow down. A nice, quiet life in some little seaside town where she’d have him all to herself, finally.
“I realized something today.”
“Oh yeah? What’s that?” She could hear the edge to her voice and hated the bitterness. She wasn’t a vindictive person and didn’t hold grudges, but she couldn’t help being resentful where Gunnar was concerned.
“My time is running out.”
Those words hit her hard as she tried to imagine this energetic man, so full of life, suddenly not. “Wait a minute,” she said, turning to face him. “You’re not telling me you’re sick, are you? Please tell me that’s not why you came.”
“You’d care if I were?” he asked, reaching for her hand.
She thought about pulling away, but first she had to know. “Of course I would care. Losing you would devastate our daughters. So, is that what you’re saying, that you’re—?”
“No, I’m not sick.” He circled her palm with his thumb. “Okay, maybe I am sick. Sick of my empty, shallow life. Sick of myself.”
She withdrew her hand when thrill bumps broke out on her skin. “I don’t understand.”
“I blinked and they were teenagers.” He looked at the framed photos of the girls scattered on tables around the room. “How the hell did that happen?”
She wanted to tell him it hadn’t just happened the way he claimed. There had been plenty of tears and flu bugs, dance recitals, concerts, and birthday parties along the way. There’d been temper tantrums, hurt feelings, and broken hearts. And he hadn’t been there for any of it. No wonder it seemed to him the past fifteen had passed in a flash. He hadn’t been there to witness any of it.
“I guess that’s just the way life is,” she said, quietly. “One day you’re a kid with dreams and the next you have a kid of your own, with a whole new set of dreams for them.” She saw no reason to point out his flaws or make him feel bad about not being there for their daughters. He’d clearly come to that realization on his own.
“What do you dream for them?”
“I just want them to be happy.” She knew they weren’t happy now. They still missed L.A. and their friends, but she hoped they would one day realize she’d made this move for their sake as much as for hers. “To figure out what they’re passionate about and pursue that.” She bit her lip. “You’re a good example of that, Gunnar. Someone who went after his dreams, and made it in spite of the odds.”
He chuckled. “Not like I had much of a choice. I had no one to pave the way for me. No family who’d provide a soft place to land if I tried and failed.”
He’d grown up in the system and still bore the scars of a loveless childhood. “But you didn’t fail,” she reminded him. “You didn’t just make a living. You made yourself a legend.” There were some performers who could produce unforgettable music for a decade or less and remain in the hearts and minds of fans forever. Gunnar was one of those artists.
“A legend.” He rolled his eyes. “I make music, Gi. I didn’t find the cure for cancer. I don’t deserve that kind of acclaim.”
She’d never heard him sound so humble. He usually loved the praise. “If I didn’t know you better, I’d really believe you’d changed.”
He looked so sad her breath caught in her throat. “A man who’s never had a family can’t lose his without it rocking his world.”
“You’ll never lose Keegan and Ramsey. They love you so much. That’ll never change.”
“But I lostyourlove…” His eyes shone as he stared at her, waiting for her to refute his claim. When she didn’t, he asked, “Tell me, when did that happen?”
“I don’t know that it was one incident that triggered it. I think it was hundreds of little moments that added up to one big realization: it just wasn’t there anymore.”
It was the countless times he’d stood by and watched other men hit on her. It was all the nights he’d stayed late for an extra beer with the band instead of coming home to her. It was all the times she’d reached out and he wasn’t there or when he was but he’d turned away. It was all the times he’d laughed when she’d cried or rolled his eyes when she screamed. It was all the times she needed to be heard and he was deaf to her pain.
“So, you really don’t love me anymore?” he asked, sounding anguished. “I killed it? Your love for me?”
She’d never been the kind of person who could intentionally hurt another and she could see Gunnar was already struggling, so she said, “I’ll always love you for giving me Ramsey and Keegan. They’re the best things that ever happened to me.”
“Me too.” His eyes were drawn to the sofa cushion between them. “I never stopped loving you. Not for a single second. I know I was a lousy boyfriend…” He rolled his eyes. “God, that sounds so stupid when I say it out loud. It felt like I was more than just your boyfriend, didn’t it?”
“There was a time when it felt like you were my life, my whole world.” She swallowed the sudden and unexpected burn of tears that arose at his admission of love. He’d never said those words to her before. Not once. “I didn’t think I could survive without you. But slowly, day by day, I was forced to imagine it a little more. Before I knew it, I’d thought about it so much it became my reality.”
“How does that happen?” he asked, looking miserable and confused. “How do you just stop loving someone you’ve loved almost half your life?”
