Page 76 of Sticks and Stones
She glared at him, hands on her hips. “The days of you bailing on me are over, Gunnar Williams.”
“Hey,” he said, holding his hands up. “I didn’t—”
“Shut up and listen to me,” she said, pointing her finger at him. “Last night I gave you my body. My heart. My love. And this morning I wake up to find you gone. No note. Nothing.” She threw her arms up in the air. “You were just gone!”
“I needed—”
“To be alone, I know,” she cried, sidestepping the torn floor as she marched into the adjoining living room. “You always need to be alone.” She gripped the edge of the fireplace as she felt him walk up behind her. “But I don’t want to be alone. Not anymore.”
He gripped her shoulders, turning her to face him. “You’re not alone, sweetheart. I’m right here.”
“No, I’m right here. I came to you, remember? There’s a big difference.”
“Is there?” He looked genuinely confused. “As long as we’re together, does it really matter?”
His gray T-shirt was plastered to his sculpted chest, making it hard for her to remember why she was so mad at him. “It matters to me. I’m just tired. Tired of chasing after you. Tired of loving you so much…” Her lip trembled. “Even when you don’t love me enough and stay and fight for us.”
A look of panic crossed his face. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“You can’t keep running away,” she said, silently pleading with him to understand. “And I can’t keep running after you.” Her shoulders slumped as she looked at her feet. “I just don’t have it in me anymore. I really thought this time would be different. But I could feel it last night when we made love, your wall was back up again. You didn’t want to let me in, and this morning you were gone.”
“Oh my god.” He released her, staggering back a step. “I’m not hearing this right now.” He ripped the bandana off his head and used it to wipe the sweat from his face. “When I made love to you last night, I was there. Believe me. I wasn’t thinking about anything else. Just you and me.”
She knew him too well to believe that. He was distant, like something was weighing heavily on him and she knew it had to be the phone call she’d made to his mother. “You can say whatever you want, but I know—”
“You don’t know!” His steel boots fell heavy on the dusty old floorboards as he crossed the room only to come back to her again. “You don’t know what I was thinking or feeling.”
“No, I don’t! Because you won’t tell me!”
“I wanted to ask you to marry me, okay? That’s what I was thinking about when I was making love to you last night… that I just wanted to beg you to be my wife. I wanted to wrap you in my arms and stay like that forever. I didn’t want to leave your house to come back to this…” He threw his arms up in the air. “This empty shell. I wanted to stay there. With you. With my family. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. To be with you guys.”
She could barely breathe as her eyes locked with his. “You wanted to ask me to marry you last night?” She’d never imagined in a million years she would hear Gunnar utter those words. No matter how close she got, she just assumed that little piece of paper was something she’d have to learn to live without. She told herself if she was certain of his love, that was all she needed, but he actually wanted to marry her?
“Yes.” His voice was raw and raspy and his eyes were bright with unshed tears. “God, yes. You think those words haven’t been on the tip of my tongue a thousand times over the years? I wanted you. Forever. There was no doubt in my mind about that. I just felt so… I don’t know. Messed up. I wasn’t sure I could be what you needed.”
He’d always been everything she needed. Couldn’t he see that? “Why do you think I loved you so much, Gunnar?” She stepped toward him, touching his cool, clammy face. “Because I knew you.” She pointed to the left side of his chest. “I knew what was in your heart.” She tapped her index finger against his temple with a smile. “And your head. I knew you have a stubborn streak a mile wide and hate to admit when you’re wrong. You have a temper when you’re passionate about something and you’re afraid to lose control. That’s why you never let me see…” It was so clear to her now. “How much it killed you when other guys hit on me. You were afraid of losing control, of saying things you never intended to say in the heat of the moment.”
“I was afraid of driving you away,” he whispered, wrapping his calloused hand around her cheek. “I still am. I’m so scared of that. Is that why you came here today? To tell me that you couldn’t do this anymore? That we weren’t working and you couldn’t put up with my—”
“I came here to tell you I couldn’t and wouldn’t go back to the way things used to be,” she admitted, wishing she could wipe away the pain etched in every faint line on his perfect but tortured face.
“It won’t be like that ever again. I swear to you.” He grabbed her hands, wrapping them around his neck. “Just hear me out. Please.”
“I’m listening.” She’d never walk away without hearing him out because she’d spent half her life praying he’d eventually say the words she needed to hear.
“I called my mother last night.”
She couldn’t hide her shock. “You did? What did she say? When are you going to see her?”
“I’m not. I don’t need to.” He shook his head. “I said all I had to say. So did she.”
“But—”
“Baby, she’s a stranger to me. That’s all she’ll ever be.”
She didn’t want him to have any regrets, to realize later in life that he should have put aside his hurt and anger and gotten to know her when he had the chance. “But you—”
“Please, just hear me out.” When she pinched her lips shut, he said, “I realized something last night. That she really did do me a favor by giving me up. It may have seemed cruel, and sure, it was rough to grow up like that. But it made me the man I am.”
