Page 59 of Sticks and Stones
“You’ve got one,” he said, pulling her close. “Me.” His eyes searched her face. “I know I wasn’t a very good friend to you before, Gi. But I’d like to change that. I want to be the person you confide in, the one you share your hopes and dreams and secrets with. I want to be the person you always turn to, no matter what. The one who’ll always have your back.”
She’d always wanted one thing in life: to marry her best friend. If Gunnar really was capable of being the kind of friend to her that he claimed, it would be a dream come true for her. “That would be nice,” she said softly, touching his face. “Really nice.”
“I know you still have your doubts where I’m concerned, and you have every reason to. That’s why I want us to take our time. I want you to know, for sure, that I’m capable of being everything you need this time.”
“Gunnar,” she said, choosing her words carefully, “I appreciate everything you’re saying, but you can’t change for me. If you do change, it has to be because you genuinely want to.”
“Are you afraid this is all an act?” he asked, dropping his hands as he took a step back. “Do you think I’m going to go back to treating you like shit if I get you to commit to me again?”
She frowned at his choice of words. “You really are being too hard on yourself. You never treated me badly. If you had, I wouldn’t have stayed with you as long as I did. Do I wish we could have been closer? Yes. Do I wish you could have been more open and expressive about your feelings? Of course. But none of that makes you a bad guy, Gunnar.”
She was concerned that he really did feel he’d failed her and their daughters somehow. He hadn’t. She just wanted more than he could give her emotionally.
“I just don’t want to let you down this time,” he whispered, stroking her cheek. “I want to be what you need.”
She backed into the stool at the breakfast bar, sitting on the edge of it as she gripped his hands to pull him closer. “Here’s the thing. I know you, probably better than anyone. And I know that being able to give and receive love freely and being so guarded has hurt you.” She pointed to his chest. “Right here. And seeing you hurt hurts me.”
He curled his hand around her wrist. “The last thing I want to do is hurt you.”
“But this isn’t about me. This is about you. It’s your journey.” She hoped he felt that way, that he finally had the opportunity to heal and leave his past behind him. She knew as long as he held on to it he could never be happy or feel secure.
“My journey, huh?” he asked, looking amused. “I’m sorry,” he said when she frowned. “But you gotta understand, this is all new for me. I’m not real big on talking about my feelings. Never have been.”
And therein lies the problem.“I’ve heard the songs you’ve written, Gunnar. You have no problem expressing your feelings. It’s when you have to talk to someone one-on-one and risk rejection that you have the problem.” It was hard for her to believe he would have ever thought she’d be the one to reject him, but she knew his scars ran deep. She supposed in his mind, if his own mother abandoned him, anyone could.
“I’m talking to you now, aren’t I?” He rubbed the back of his neck, looking frustrated. “Look, Gi. I’m really trying here. This isn’t easy for me, but I want to be able to tell you how I feel without breaking out in a cold sweat.”
“What are you so afraid of?” she whispered.
“Being left alone.”
His words cut her to the core because when she looked into his warm hazel eyes, she imagined that scared little boy who just wanted someone to love him. “And that’s what we did, isn’t it? We left you alone.” She’d never intended to add to his pain, but she inadvertently had.
“I used to wake up in a cold sweat,” he whispered, looking tortured. “I’d frantically feel around the bed and call your name. I thought it was a nightmare. Then I’d run to the girls’ rooms and they were empty too.”
“Oh, Gunnar.” She wrapped her hand around his neck and brought his forehead down to meet his. “I’m so sorry. I had no idea it affected you that way.”
Her breathing was uneven and shaky as his fingertips bit into her thighs. It was as though he were holding on tight so she couldn’t get away again. “I couldn’t tell you,” he said, looking mortified. “I was too ashamed. I’m a grown man. I should be able to live alone without having nightmares.”
“Is it easier now?” she asked, stroking his stubble. “I mean, being at the cottage—”
“It’ll be okay,” he assured her with a half-smile. “I don’t feel alone anymore.”
“You don’t?”
“No. I feel like I’m getting you guys back, little by little, and that gives me peace.”
She wanted to tell him that he’d never really lost them, but she knew this was his issue to work through. He had to get comfortable with being alone before he could truly let anyone else in. “I’m going to get changed now,” she said, kissing him. “And just so you know, I intend to hold you to that promise of ice cream after dinner.”
He grabbed her hand when she slipped past him. “Gi.”
“Yeah?”
“I love you.”
She smiled, feeling her heart swell. “I love you too.”
