Page 34 of Sticks and Stones
She listened, her eyes scanning his face as she waited for him to continue.
“I had the most beautiful woman in the room on my arm every time we went out together. I knew that. I told myself no one was man enough to take you from me, so I wasn’t worried. That’s what I told myself.” His stomach tightened as the truth he’d been suppressing spilled from his lips. “But it was a lie. Deep down inside was this scared kid who didn’t think he was good enough to hold on to a woman like you. Someone so smart, so beautiful. So good.”
Gianna was well educated and well-read. She loved books and all the knowledge she gleaned from them. He, on the other hand, barely finished high school and he’d always been ashamed of the differences that separated them. He’d bought his way into the finest places. But she’d been born with an effortless confidence and class that meant she fit in wherever she went.
“Funny you should say that,” she said, leaning her head against the door at her back. “Because I was the one who didn’t feel I deserved you. Here you were this big-time musician, making money hand over fist, filling stadiums around the world, and I was just this simple, small-town girl who hadn’t even travelled outside the country until she met you.”
He’d never seen a glimpse of insecurity from her in social situations, but then maybe he hadn’t been looking for signs of discomfort. He’d been too busy trying to ignore all the men determined to take her away.
“What? Why would you feel you didn’t deserve me?” He swept his hand up her body, from her thigh to her ribs, finally resting there. “You’re gorgeous. You’re sweet. You’re smart. You’re every damn thing I’m not, Gi.”
“You’re wrong. When I look at you, I see everything I’m not.” When he would have objected, she rested her finger against his lips with a smile. “You’re outrageously successful and ambitious and talented.” She smirked, ratcheting up the temperature in the room a few degrees. “God, are you talented.”
“Gi, I—”
“Just hear me out,” she said softly, her gaze drifting from his. “I was afraid everyone would think I was a gold-digger. I mean, I didn’t have a career. I didn’t even know what the hell I wanted to do. How pathetic is that? I just felt like I was drifting with no real purpose.”
“You can’t be serious.” He considered her job, the one she wanted, raising their kids and no one could have done it better than she did. “You’re an amazing mom, Gi. Our kids wouldn’t be who they are without you. What could possibly be more important than that?” Most of the women who travelled in his social circles with rich husbands had housekeepers and nannies, and even without careers, they couldn’t make time for their children.
“I looked at you, lighting the world on fire with your music, and just felt so inadequate. Like I should be doing so much more with my life, you know?”
No, he didn’t know. She’d volunteered for numerous causes, from helping the homeless to unwed mothers, and knew she’d chaired countless events. “Honey, you’ve done so much more good in this world than I have.” He’d thrown plenty of money at problems. He’d even performed at some charity events, but he hadn’t bled for these causes the way Gianna had.
“You’re sweet to say that.”
“But you don’t believe me?”
It pissed him off that “regular” people had the mistaken impression that celebrities were so much more important than they were. He’d rubbed shoulders with plenty of actors and athletes over the years, as well as countless musicians from all genres, and they didn’t impress him nearly as much as they impressed themselves.
“I’m just a regular guy, babe.” He cupped her cheek, raising her eyes to meet his. “You, of all people, should know that.”
“Most days it’s easy to forget who you are.” She bit her lip as her eyes locked with his. “I mean, most of the time I just think of you as Ramsey and Keegan’s dad, but—”
“That’s not how I want you to think of me.” He let his hand fall, pressing her body to the door with his. “I want you to think of me as yours.” He felt a surge of relief when she smiled against his lips. “All yours, Gi.”
“I wanted that,” she whispered, threading her hands through his hair. “For you to be all mine, more than anything, but I always felt I had to share you. Every time we made love, your phone would ring and I knew you’d be distracted, wondering who it was.”
He hated that he’d been stupid enough to let anything distract him from her. He slipped his phone out of his shirt pocket and turned it off. “Problem solved. I’m all yours.”
“But for how long?” Her eyes fell before she finally looked up at him. “How long can you promise you’ll be mine before you have to leave again, Gunnar?”
It was a legitimate question. One he didn’t feel he could answer yet. He couldn’t pretend he didn’t have a million things to deal with back in L.A. before he could make any definitive plans for the future.
“One thing I can promise you,” he said, slipping the strap of her sundress off her shoulder as he kissed her soft, delicately scented skin. “No matter where I am in this world, you’ll be on my mind.” He knew it was a small consolation, but it was the only thing he could give her right now. “There hasn’t been anyone else for me since you left and there won’t be. If I can’t have you I sure as hell don’t want a poor substitute.”
She gasped, searching his eyes for some indication he was lying. “You’re not saying you haven’t…”
“I haven’t slept with anyone else since you left.” He didn’t know why she was so surprised. She’d been the only woman he’d wanted to sleep with since he laid eyes on her. “Why? Have you been with anyone else?” When she was silent for a beat, he thought he was going to be sick. He got that they’d been separated and she had the right to do anything—or anyone—she wanted, but it would kill him to know she’d been with someone else.
“No, of course not.” She smiled. “So, you can breathe now.” She shoved against his shoulder, making her strap slip farther down to reveal an ice-blue strapless lacy bra. “I can’t believe you thought I’d just hop into bed with the first man who showed me any attention.”
“Living with me for so long you must have been craving attention.” He winced when she didn’t argue his point. “I was that bad, huh?”
“You were just caught up in your own little world,” she said, raising her chin. “Or at least that’s the way it seemed to me most of the time.”
“Why’d you stay with me so long?” he asked, needing to know. “If I was such an ass, which I know I was, why not leave me years ago? Tell me you didn’t stay just for the sake of the kids?”
“I stayed because I loved you,” she said, toying with the buttons on his shirt. “And I wanted to build a life with you. I wanted us to be a family, a real family, and I knew I’d never forgive myself if I didn’t give it everything I had.”
“I’m so sorry.” He knew it wasn’t enough, but he hoped it was a start. “I need you to forgive me, to learn to trust me again. I know that can’t happen overnight, but maybe someday?” He needed to hear her say the words, to give him hope. “Please.”
“I forgave you a long time ago, Gunnar. I had to. I had to forgive myself too because Lord knows I wasn’t perfect during our relationship. I made plenty of mistakes too.”
He appreciated her willingness to accept part of the blame when he felt like he deserved all of it, but she didn’t answer his other question. “You think you can learn to trust me again?” He couldn’t believe he’d taken the most precious thing in the world, her faith in him, for granted.
She blew out a shaky breath. “I want to, but I’m so scared.”
He crushed her against his chest, needing her to feel how tightly wound he was, to get some sense of how much it meant to him to regain her trust. “I’m scared too, baby. Scared to death of losing you again, but I’m willing to lay it all on the line this time. To be completely honest and vulnerable, to try and change, if it means you’ll give me another chance?”
“I want you,” she whispered. “In. Every. Way.”
