Page 18 of Sticks and Stones
“Hey,” he said, holding her cheek in his hand. “I was never with you as a matter of convenience, Gi. I was with you because I couldn’t imagine my life without you. I didn’t want to imagine it.”
“God, you’re such a liar.” Every time she’d questioned his feelings for her, he’d distracted her with sex. This time, nothing would distract her. He was going to admit the truth even if it killed her. “Just admit it. You never loved me. If I hadn’t gotten pregnant, we wouldn’t have lasted a year. You felt you had to stay with me out of some misguided sense of responsibility. You grew up without your parents and you didn’t want your kid to think you didn’t care. Isn’t that the way it was?”
He staggered back, looking stunned. “God, you really believe that, don’t you?”
“What would you expect me to believe, Gunnar? I lived with you and loved you for nearly fifteen years. I shared your bed. I gave you my heart. And in return you gave me the freedom to sleep with other men. How do you think that made me feel?”
“Like you didn’t matter to me,” he said, hanging his head. “But it wasn’t like that, I swear. You mattered to me.” He reached for her hands, clinging desperately. “God, you have no idea how much you mattered to me.”
“You know what I think?” she said, withdrawing her hands and sinking down on the bottom step. “I think you’re lonely and confused and scared. You’re getting older. The girls are getting older. And you’re wondering what’s going to happen when you don’t have your music to fill your life anymore.”
“That’s not true,” he said, staring at a family photo on the sofa back table.
Ramsey had placed it there when they moved in, insisting their dad would always be a part of the family.
“Okay, maybe it is partially true. I am scared. And I am lonely. But I’m not confused. For the first time in a long time, I’m gaining some clarity about what I want.”
Gianna held her hair off her face while she bent her head, staring at the ground. “And why are you telling me this?” She didn’t want to be cruel, but his life was no longer her concern.
“Because I want you.” He knelt down in front of her. “Listen to me. I need to change, I know that. And I’m trying. I really am. You think I like the self-centered, egotistical, money-hungry fame-whore I’ve become? Believe me, I don’t.”
“You’re too hard on yourself,” she said, gently. “You’re not a bad guy, Gunnar. I never thought you were.”
“But I don’t like myself anymore,” he said, gripping the gray button-down shirt he’d put on after his shower. “You don’t love me anymore and you know what? I don’t blame you. I couldn’t love me either, if I were you. But I want to become the kind of man you could love. Will you at least give me the chance to do that?”
She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “You can’t change for my sake. You—”
“I’m not. I’m changing for my sake, so I can figure out how to love myself.” He rolled his eyes. “I always thought that sounded so stupid when I heard people preaching about the importance of loving themselves, but I get it now. That was the reason I couldn’t love you the way you needed me to. Because I didn’t love and respect myself, not really.”
“It’s not like you to be so introspective,” she said, trying to make sense of what he was saying. Was he for real? Or was he just saying what he thought she wanted to hear to get back in her good graces?
“Don’t think I just started thinking about this shit when I showed up on your doorstep last night. This had been going round and round in my head for months. Ever since you left me, if I’m bein’ real.”
“Then why did you wait ’til now to tell me how you felt?”
“I was scared,” he admitted, rocking back on his heels as he gripped the banister. “I thought you’d tell me to go to hell, that you hated me, or worse, that you’d moved on.”
“It’s not like I haven’t tried to move on.” Her gaze landed on his lips involuntarily and she wanted to scratch her own eyes out for giving herself away. “I have.”
“So, why haven’t you been able to?” he whispered, leaning in closer.
His eyes now fixed on her lips too and she knew where this was headed if she didn’t put a stop to it. Like now. “You’re not an easy man to forget.”
He grabbed the back of her head and kissed her like his life depended on it, slipping his tongue into her mouth without invitation. Because that was the kind of man Gunnar was. He didn’t ask permission. He just took what he wanted and he evidentially he wanted her… but for how long? How long before he got tired of playing house again and started ignoring her in favor of the career he loved more than life?
That sobering thought prompted her to push him away, though her traitorous body begged him not to. “Stop,” she said, her breathing labored. “You don’t get to do that anymore.”
“You wanted me to. Just admit it. You want me as much as I want you.”
“I always wanted you,” she admitted, damning the tears gathering in her eyes. “More than I should have. Can’t you see that was the problem? I didn’t just want you. I needed you. I didn’t think my life could be complete without you in it. But it has been. I’m happy. So, why the hell can’t you just leave me alone and let me be happy?”
