Page 11 of Checkmate
The same ensues for the next several days. During the day I am punished and tortured, and in the evening, cherished and loved. The back and forth with Claus is making me dizzy. However, I can now see through his game. He is trying to get a rise out of my anger. He wants me to get angry, complain about my treatment, and give him a reason to distance himself—a reason to continue the punishments into the evening.
The reality of it all slams me in the face. He’s going to kill me no matter what transpires between us. It’s a game to him.Isn’t it the same as what you have been doing?Lilith asks. She’s been quiet for the past several days. It’s unusual for her to wait so long, but of course she chooses now to speak, and I realize she’s right. She needs to keep her opinions to herself.
Have you fallen for Claus?she asks. Why won’t she shut up?
I take a deep breath.I don’t know. I crave him.I crave his kindness, his touch. When he comes to see me, even after I have endured a day of torture and humiliation, I smile. He has me conditioned to think of him as the positive reinforcement. He makes the suffering and torture go away and brings me tenderness, love, and mind-blowing orgasms.
You’re not answering my question, Serena,Lilith prods. She’s beginning to annoy me.
I know I’m avoiding it because I really don’t have the answer. I don’t know if it is love I feel toward him or if I’m a product of his training.
Do you believe he is your mate?
I do.
Why, Serena, because this is what you were told?
Well yes, isn’t that what finding your mate means?
Serena, we are beasts, primal and raw. When you have sex with Claus, the beast will always come out. It will always be there because it is what is in our nature. When you mate—when you find your true mate—it will be different. It won’t just be primal. There will be true emotion in the act, and you will know.
So, Claus is not my mate?
That is not for me to say. It is for you to know. Just remember what you came here for.
Lilith, wait! Tell me! Please, is someone else destined to be my mate? Was my father wrong? Lilith!
She doesn’t answer.
I came here with a mission. The Blood Empire should be all that matters. It should come first, before all things. Do I love Claus? No, maybe, yes? Hell, I don’t know. Do I feel gratitude and an infatuation with him? Yes. Am I drawn to him physically? Yes, definitely. But that doesn’t mean he’s my mate. My hesitation over my true feelings for him makes me realize Lillith is right.
He has been succeeding in clouding my judgment. I can’t allow that to happen anymore.
I got sidetracked; I will admit that. But now, going forward, I stick to the plan.
Later that evening after we have finished our dinner, Claus inquires about going out for a walk around the compound. This is odd and the first time he has allowed me to leave the palace.
“Care to join me?” he asks.He’s up to something. Proceed with caution, Lilith reminds me.
“Would it be okay if I didn’t?” I ask.
“Are you unwell, Serena?” He places the palm of his hand on my forehead. “You don’t feel feverish.”
I shake my head. “No, I’m fine. I would, if it is okay with you, like a little alone time this evening is all.”
“As you wish,” he says sadly, but I sense a hint of anger in his voice. He gets up from the table and leaves the room without another word. I’ve made him mad.No, you have not. You pushed him away. For the first time, you showed him he is not the center of your world.
But he is the center of my world. Isn’t he?
Only you can know, Serena. Stop asking me questions I can’t answer for you.
I really hate when she does that.
While Claus is gone, I decide to walk through the palace that was once my home. He never said anything about not having to go back to his room, and surprisingly enough, he did not confine me before he left.He’s slipping, Serena. He’s trusting you.He is. I see it now. Perhaps this is what Lilith has been trying to convey to me. He’s trusting me. I’m not failing; I’m succeeding. Trust is the key to this working.
Trust. It’s not a very big word, but a word that can change everything. Trust is a huge leap of faith. It’s dangerous. Trust allows us to depend on others for many things: love, advice, and so much more. Everything we do throughout our daily lives is based on trust. The danger comes when the people we trust don’t follow through. Once trust is lost, for some, it is lost forever. I see Claus softening. I see him being neglectful with my restraints and restrictions. So I sit here and ask myself,Do I do the right thing and live up to the trust Claus is giving me and hopefully we can work our differences out and have a future together, or do I blow it all to hell, take back my empire, and destroy the only man I will ever love?
I do love him. I guess I always have, but the last few weeks have confirmed it. Do I love that he punishes me regularly? I think honestly to myself.Yes, sometimes.I giggle to myself. That’s a lie. The truthful answer is yes, most times. We are at a turning point in our game—if that is what we are calling it—and one of us needs to bend one way or the other. One of us must make a decision we are comfortable with and live with it. I get a sinking feeling in my stomach. I know I am the one who is going to have to make the sacrifice. But can I?
