Page 16 of Night Fall
Erik gulped, breathed, and looked down at his hands, as if questioning if they were capable of nothing but destruction. “I have kept track of that boy, the man he became, and the subsequent generations of his family all this time. I have donated whatever they have needed, and I will continue to do so until I am no longer on this planet, but that will still never be enough. I ripped that little boy’s life apart in front of him because I could not control myself.”
A bitter smile flashed on his face as he looked at her, and it broke her heart. “I am not someone you should trust, Mya. I am not worthy of your love. I am a despicable and horrible person. The things I have done are atrocious. I am no different than the monsters that tried to rape you only a few short days ago.”
Mya moved toward him, intent to hold him, to stop his words, but Erik ignored her. “And if you could so foolishly believe in me even after all of this”—his voice broke as more tears streamed from his eyes—“it still would not matter, because I must do the best I can to ensure that you and your brother and your cousin will not go through the same pain that I have. You must understand our metabolisms, our powers, our weaknesses, how we must fight to remain calm, how we must have an outlet for our rage. You must understand everything so that you will never face what I have or do what I have done, so you will never be the monster inside a little boy’s story.”
Mya braced the chair as she felt her world shift, leaving her spinning and choking under Erik’s sea of turmoil.
“Do you understand that if I slack in my duties, if I have a distraction, if anything in our world ever goes wrong, I have failed you all?” Erik pressed at his eyes with his palms, then raked his fingers through his hair. Then he whispered, “And do you understand that even though I know all of this, that I feel all of this, I still want you? That no matter how impossible it should be, you are still there? You are underneath my skin, pumping through my very veins, Mya! I am supposed to be impartial to the three of you, and yet if you, your brother, and your cousin were in peril, I would always come to your aid first, whether I should or not. You are my distraction, my weakness, and I cannot stop it. I cannot control this. I cannot resist you. I cannot think or be any other way.”
Erik stood in one fluid motion, his eyes flashing. Mya reached for him, but the distance seemed impenetrable.
“I cannot become distracted, Mya. If I do, not only will people die but I could lose all of you. I could lose you. And even if you do not die, you may fall into the same peril that rots away at my soul.”
He took a deep breath, his eyes telling her of his conclusion before the words could leave his mouth.
“I take care of the people here because I have the power to. I protect them because I should, but I know that nothing I do will ever make amends for the lives I have taken. So, you see, Mya, I am not a good man. I am not right for you.”
Mya heard his words. She heard his story, his pain, his terrible nightmare, and she saw him differently. It was just as Erik said it would be, except instead of a monster she saw him as someone who needed her just as much as she needed him. He needed her heart, her love. He needed her to accept his past, to love him in his present, and to grow with him through his future.
Perhaps she was foolish, or perhaps it was because she remembered how it felt to lose control of herself to her vampire nature, to want to kill, to unleash her rage upon the land. The man Erik had become when he lost himself all those years ago was not the man he was today. But that man, that sad, unfortunate soul, had been forced to carry his sins on his own. She did not want that for him any longer.
Mya approached him. He tried to back away, to create space between them, but she would not let him. When he could go no further, Mya stood on the tips of her toes and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, the position difficult and awkward as Erik stood straight and stiff, a marble statue in her embrace. Then he gripped her arms and tried to remove them, but she refused and tightened her grip. Erik moved his hands down, gripping her sides, pushing her back, but again she refused to move.
“Mya,” he croaked, “leave me, please.”
“I will not. I will never leave you.”
“Mya—”
“Let me love you, Erik. You have spent so long hating your life. Open yourself up to me. Let me comfort you.”
“I do not deserve your comfort,” he whispered.
“I decide the pieces of me that someone receives, Erik, and I want you to have them all. Just as I hope to one day hold all of yours.” She squeezed her arms tighter around his neck, grasping her forearms to keep him close to her. “No one helped you during that dark time, so let me help you now. You told me you could not deny me, so do not try to do so now. Let me share the weight of your burdens and worries. Let me bring you the same peace you have brought me all these years. I am right here with you. I am not going anywhere. I will always be right here by your side. You will never be alone again,” she whispered.
A breath left him, and with it he succumbed to her, his final barrier broken. Erik crumbled, his shoulders sagging against her, then his knees. Suddenly they were both on the ground, she within his lap with his arms circling her as they clung to one another. As his head leaned against her shoulder, she thought about her life, and the lives of her brother and her cousin. What would they have endured if Erik had not been with them? What would have happened if they had been turned accidentally too? At least they would have had one another, but Erik had no one.
Mya understood that he had done terrible, despicable things, but she also understood that he would have never committed those atrocities in his right mind. To her, he was not the problem nor the solution; he was as much a victim as the people who had lost their lives to him.
Mya wished that she could wipe away Erik’s every fear, every dreadful misdeed, but she could not. Still, from now on she would try as hard as she could to remind him of exactly how she saw him.
She took a deep breath as her hands moved to his back, kneading his muscles. “I know how negatively you think of yourself now, but I need you to know that I do not see you that way.”
He tensed, but she continued. “You saved my life. You saved my family’s lives. You were walking through the Black Death searching for people you could save. You were willing to take on the responsibility of another person’s life, their choices and mistakes. You were willing to teach them, fend for them, and protect them. You have protected an entire town from hardship and worry.”
“But that will never make up for what I have done,” he whispered.
Mya nodded. “It does not need to make up for what you have done. The past is the past.”
Erik shook his head in her neck. “It is not that simple.”
She held him a little closer, a little tighter. “Maybe it can be if you believe you deserve forgiveness. You were a victim too, Erik.”
He did not speak again, but his hold on her tightened as he buried his face deeper in her neck. When Erik’s breathing had regulated and his muscles had relaxed, Mya kissed his hair and ran her fingers through the strands, working to untangle the ones matted with blood. When she had finished, she kissed his head, his temple, the corner of his eye. She breathed in his scent, basked in his warmth, and even though so much had transpired in such a few short hours, her heart glowed with the knowledge that he here, in her arms.
Erik was her home, and she wanted nothing more than to be the same for him, but she knew she could not give him what he needed most: forgiveness. Her words could never replace those of the people he killed, but perhaps her touch could help soothe his pain, even for a moment.
Mya kissed his head, his temple, the corner of his eye once more, and then followed the contours of his face. She kissed his regal cheek, his straight nose, and slid her lips back and down to his jaw. There she trailed her lips even as the hairs of his beard tickled her mouth.
