Page 26 of Night Fury
Mya’s shoulders dropped and she bobbed her head in a nod before filing out behind Dani and Greg.
Johanna was once again alone with Luke, but nothing felt the same. She was off balance, unsure of what to do, and to his credit he seemed to be in the same boat. Luke rested his head against the door, hand still on the knob, his body hunched over on the frame as if it was the only thing keeping him up.
She opened her mouth to speak, but words failed her and the fear that the ground had fallen out from underneath them was too thick for her to ignore.
Luke turned and marched toward her like a man ready for battle, only to stop a foot away. His eyes were so intense, full of a thousand different emotions, that they took Johanna’s breath away. She realized then that he was afraid too, but not for the same reasons she was. His fear was out of respect. She could see it in his eyes, in the tenseness of his jaw as he ground his teeth together, in how his hand was frozen in mid-air as he resisted touching her. But Johanna’s fear was out of self-loathing. That fear was rapidly forming a chasm between them, and if she didn’t try to move past that feeling, it would only get wider.
Daniella’s words repeated in her head.Give yourself a chance.
She took a step forward, closing the space between them. Their bodies swayed together, caught in each other’s magnetism, but neither reached for one another.
Finally, Luke sighed, and the hand that had been hovering in the air caressed her cheek.
Johanna’s eyes closed as she fought against the tears that threatened to spill out. One simple touch from Luke was all it took to decimate her heart. She wanted to tell him everything, every single horrible thought she had in that moment so he could see how messed up she was. She wanted to be vulnerable, to lay herself at his feet and show him all her broken pieces so he could decide if this was really the road he wanted to walk down, if she was really enough.
But the fact that he didn’t pull her closer, didn’t initiate any further contact except the whispering caress of his fingertips along her skin, told her that he knew. Somehow, he knew. Henoticedher. Luke saw more than she willingly let on, and no matter how much she tried, she couldn’t escape his gaze. And there was something so harrowing, so heartbreakingly glorious within that knowledge, that it sparked a tiny speck of courage which grew inside of her, urging her to open her eyes to meet his.
His breath hitched as he searched her gaze for something. Then, ever so softly, Luke whispered, “Stay with me.”
She stared at him, confused. “How did you know?”
“Because I know what it’s like to blame yourself for something and to wish things were different. I know what it’s like to think you aren’t enough and that you’ll drag everyone else down if you let them in.” His thumb grazed along her jaw as he said again, “Stay with me.”
“And what if you change your mind?” Johanna said, averting her gaze.
“I won’t,” he replied without any hesitation.
“What if you do?”
Luke tilted her chin up, drawing her eyes back to his. “I would never do such a thing, but in the event there was ever something that affected the possibility of there being an ‘us,’ I would talk to you about it. That’s what one does when they want to keep someone in their life. They fight for them.”
His arm slid around her back, pushing her against his body, and even though his hold was light enough that she could leave, she didn’t. Then he silenced every thought, every question she could have asked him.
“I still want you, sunflower. In fact, I’m beginning to think I’ve never wanted you more.”
She crumbled. The floor fell out from under her, her knees buckled, and she fell into a heaping, sobbing mess. But Luke caught her, and she was starting to hope he always would.
* * *
Johanna leaned her head against the window, staring out into the backyard. The full moon shone, casting a blue light over every blade of grass and flower in Luke’s garden. It was beautiful, but it could not pull her out of her thoughts. She was here, but not here. Seeing, but not focusing.
The rest of the day with Luke had been quiet. He comforted her while she remained silent. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to talk about what she was feeling—she did, but she’d been stuck on where to begin, what she could say that wouldn’t scare him away but would help Luke to understand why she was like this now.
He’d given her time and taken care of her. She’d found out about the food he’d kept for her, but it had only reminded her of how much he had done for her, how much he cared. It both helped and hurt her, leaving her feeling that he had drawn the short end of the stick. But she couldn’t tell him that, because she knew if she did, he’d convince her otherwise. Even in the short time since she’d awoken, she knew that’s what he would do. Much like he’d said earlier, he’d fight for her. The question was, did she deserve to be fought for? And who fought on Luke’s behalf? She wanted to fight for him, and that added a new level of depth and confusion to her already endless feelings.
She’d taken the feelings to bed with her and woken up shortly after, choking on a scream, so here she sat, procrastinating what she knew she’d have to do. She couldn’t keep going like this. Even she knew that forcing herself to do a deep dive into her emotions wasn’t healthy, but the alternative was worse. She couldn’t keep crying. She couldn’t move on from her thoughts, she couldn’t sleep, she barely wanted to eat, and she couldn’t possibly make a good, conscious decision when she was so utterly terrified ofeverythingshe did.
Johanna took a deep breath. As she released it, she fastened back on her emotional chains, secured the locks, turned everything off, and then approached things one by one: shame, guilt, the expectations she had laid upon herself, sadness, anger, hatred.
Johanna heard a noise and turned her head just as the door creeped open. In it stood Luke. Everything about him made her feel safe. He was tall, probably 6’5” or 6’6”, his shoulders were broad, and he was a solid wall of muscle. His presence, hispersistence, shook her. It made her feel lucky, honored, feelings she wasn’t used to. Now, though, she felt like running both toward and away from him.
He seemed to know that. She really didn’t understand how, but once again he understood her.
Luke entered the room slowly, watching her every move. Finally, he said. “Couldn’t sleep?”
Johanna shook her head and curled herself more into a ball against the wall.
“May I?” He gestured to the other end of the window seat, and she nodded again.
