Page 205 of Modern Romance May 2026 Books 1-4
By the endof the term break, I miss my friends, and I feel grumpy because I’m going to be separated from Lucian again. I actually miss Alabria more than I ever thought possible. For all that I felt stuck there for most of my life, it’s my home. And being the queen has made me feel that in a more profound way than I could’ve possibly imagined.
I’m also missing my mother, my sister. This is the longest I’ve ever gone without seeing them in person. I feel like I’m being pulled in ten different directions. Lucian seems to have noticed my low mood, because dinner is the most extravagant affair we’ve had since coming to the country house. There’s a table set out on the lawn, candles illuminating everything. The table has a silk, dusky purple covering, the plates made of gold. The food is exquisite, French and finely executed. Because for all that he is my favorite meal, I do still enjoy food of a more traditional variety.
He has arranged for me to have a brand-new dress for dinner, and the copper color suits me. When I looked at my reflection, I was so pleased with what I saw.
It was an interesting moment. One that allowed me to reflect on everything that’s changed. I’m not the same person that I was all that time ago. All that short time ago. I’m not, and could never be. It used to be that all I cared about was staying safe. Emotionally. I told myself that it was because I wanted to learn. Because I wanted to make it to university. But the truth is, I’ve been running from this part of myself for a very long time. The one that wants good food. The one that wants to feel pretty. The one that wants to feel cherished by a romantic partner. And I do.
I…
Everything about him is beyond a dream. Because he’s a dream I wouldn’t let myself have.
I had no expectations of him. Of us. And it’s far beyond anything I could’ve ever hoped for.
I understand, though, why I didn’t want it. Even if it were possible. Because it isn’t so simple as being happy because you’ve found someone to care for.
It means that I’m in a constant state of tension with myself. Because when I’m away from him I have to miss him. And in order to accomplish some of the other things that I want to accomplish, I have to miss him.
“Tell me everything about what’s happening in Alabria,” I say.
“Well, since ending my embargo on flights, an entirely new industry is opening up, and I’m busy funding airlines and routes to the island. Now there has to be an airport expansion.”
“Oh,” I say. “So that’s an entire can of worms.”
“Yes. A good one. One that’s already stimulating the economy. And for that, I have you to thank. You’re the one that pushed me to do that.”
“I think you would’ve gotten there yourself,” I say. “Eventually.”
“Perhaps. Eventually. But it certainly wasn’t a conclusion I was arriving at easily.”
“That’s okay,” I say. “Sometimes it takes a minute. To figure out change. I mean, that’s been basically my whole existence for the past few months.”
“Yes,” he says, looking at me gravely. “It has been.”
“Not a bad thing. To have to change. I was afraid of so many things when we first met, Lucian. And it isn’t even something I was aware of. I was afraid of feeling too much.”
“And now?” he asks.
“Oh, I still think it’s quite terrible. But… I’m not scared of it anymore.”
It’s been so lovely, being with him here in the country house. It’s the closest thing to being back home with him in the palace. Reading together, talking, eating, making love. Those are the beautiful aspects of who we are. Who we really are. There are other things that we do. He runs an entire country. I’m going to school. But these are the things that we choose to do when we have nothing and no one else to please. And that is its own wonderful discovery.
After dinner, he takes me up to bed. And there’s something driving me tonight that’s different than any other night. It’s our last one together for a while. I’m just so much sadder about it than I thought that I would be. Than I imagined I could be. I kiss him, deep and desperate. I pour everything into that kiss. Everything that I don’t want to name. Everything that I’ve been holding back.
Because the truth is, I’ve been holding something back for a while. From him, from myself. A revelation that I wasn’t quite ready for. A realization that I didn’t want to fully embrace. Because it means that I…that I’ve given in. That I’ve surrendered. To this forced marriage, to this need between us, to this change. This true, fundamental change in what I want.
But I don’t actually think it’s a change in who I am.
No. This is who I’ve always wanted to be. Secretly, deep down. What I want to do, where I want to live, that isn’t who I am. But this, passionate, sensual, adventurous, brave and open, this is what I’ve always wanted. But what I’ve always feared.
So I embrace it now, as I kiss him. As I strip his clothes off, and mine. As I kiss my way down his body, and let my need guide us.
He’s content with that for a while, but then, something changes in his face. He becomes like a man possessed, kissing me, lifting me up and pressing me against the wall, our naked bodies entwined, his fingers pushed through my hair.
Often, he’s reverent with me. Tonight, he’s rough. He kisses me, licks into me like a starving man, then moves his hands over my curves, down my hips, presses his hand between my legs as he begins to stroke me, driving me higher and higher, pushing me to the edge. He drops to his knees before me, roughly parting my legs and worshipping me, as he did that first time we were together. As he’s done many times since, but this is different than all of them. There’s an edge. One that I can’t define, but one that I’m captive to all the same.
I scream as I tumble over into oblivion, and I don’t care if someone hears. I don’t care about anything. Not anything but this thing between us.
That night that I went out to the nightclub, I was euphoric because I had nothing to worry about. Nothing to overthink about.
