Page 199 of Modern Romance May 2026 Books 1-4
“No! And I want all that off the internet. He’s just… He’s a good man. He has some regrets about how he handled his past relationships—not murder regrets—but he’s trying. I think he’s trying to handle me differently.” I’m trying to defend him without giving away his secrets.
“Well, now you’re in another country,” Elektra points out. “Youcan handle you however you want.”
A couple of months ago I would have been very clear about what I wanted. I actually would have used this as a chance to escape. I would have gotten help from whoever I could and made sure I was able to stay here forever.
That’s not what I want now.
My mom and sister are excited for me, but they can’t understand why I’m living apart from my husband, and why I’m doing school when I could sit around being royalty.
I question that sometimes, though not for the same reasons they are.
As the term wears on I miss him and I’m miserable with it. I’m supposed to be having a wonderful time—and I am. I’m also stressed from all the work and questioning why I thought I could do this.
After a particularly heavy run of projects, I can breathe at least, but I haven’t heard from Lucian.
“There’s a party tonight down at the club, you should come.” All my friends look at me expectantly and I balk.
“I can’t just go to a nightclub!”
“No one will recognize you.”
I have a security detail for when I leave the school, and I’m not sure what they’ll think about me going off to a nightclub for a party. Though with some negotiation they agree to accompany me and my friends to the club.
I borrow a dress, which is much shorter than anything I normally wear, and we get party-ready, which is something I never did in my life before Lucian either. It is funny how my life feels so divided and defined by him and I’m reminded of what I said to him about virginity almost four months ago now. That a man doesn’t have the power to change a woman with sex.
Maybe that’s true. But with us it’s never just been sex.
I feel beautiful, but I think that has to do with being in this group of friends. Who are complimenting me, and hyping me up, and for the first time in a while I feel like I’m not despairing. It’s just been a really stressful stretch of time. Missing Lucian like I do, and having to do my coursework, I am feeling battered in a really strange way, and I’m not sure that I have the right to my feelings. Life has certainly been worse. But I can’t say that I’ve ever been pulled in multiple directions this way.
And tonight feels like permission to indulge in something else. Something that has nothing to do with any aspect of my life.
My security detail gets us a limousine, which feels ridiculous, but it does fit our entire group, and get us to the club in relative style—the level of outrageousness is over the top. My friends are howling about how we actually look quite tacky, and I can’t disagree.
But when we get into the club, I forget everything, because this is a whole new experience. Fun for the sake of it. I can’t say that I’ve ever done that before. My whole life before Lucian was about earning my way here. Then everything with him has been…intense. I wouldn’t call our relationship fun. It brings me to a place with myself that I’ve never been before. It’s interesting; I can’t deny that. And I miss it. I can’t deny that either. Butfunstill isn’t the word. Then there’s this. This long-held dream of mine finally happening. And I’m not sure that I could venture to call that fun either.
But this is. It’s silly. And the drinks that we are getting are bright and fruity. The music is loud, and even though I’ve never danced in my life, I am getting into the swing of it. I’m dizzy, dancing with my friends and having a brilliant time of it. For the first time in my life I’m not unbearably conscious of who I am. Of everything that I feel like I’m holding up. I’m just having fun. And if part of me aches for Lucian, I do the best that I can to push that part of myself away. Because yes, certainly, it would be lovely if he could be here with me. If he could be the kind of man who could take me out and dance with me. Who could laugh with me.
I think about our days in my room, curled up on the floor with books. He does laugh sometimes. So that isn’t really fair of me.
But he doesn’t laugh easily, and the trouble is neither do I, so it’s a whole difficult thing for us to draw it out of one another. Maybe I’ll learn to laugh a little bit more freely during my time here. Maybe I’ll be able to bring back that to our marriage.
To our life.
Our life. This is my life here. It isn’t him and me. And maybe that’s how he feels too. Maybe the palace is his life. God knows he’s always treated it that way. Like it’s his to control and command, and I’m just a piece of it.
I grit my teeth and pushed that thought to the side. I don’t especially want it at the moment.
No. I’m trying to have fun. I don’t need to think about Lucian at all.
A man approaches me on the dance floor, objectively handsome, I suppose. Close to my age, and I move rather deftly away. But he keeps following me wherever I weave to on the dance floor, until his hands go to my hips, and he looks me in the eye. “Are you deliberately trying to avoid me?”
I feel like I’ve been captured by a hunter. “Well, yes,” I say.
He grins. “I don’t mind a chase, but I do like to know if my quarry is interested.”
He’s leaning in very close, because the music is loud, and there is no other option.
“I’m married,” I say.
