Page 23 of In Every Lifetime
“And you chose a lecture on psychopaths as your plan?” Fai asked, amused and finally relaxing a bit.
“Hey, it sounded interesting,” Gabriel defended with a smile. “It was free and a few hours long, so I figured, why not? You know? It was interesting too." He turned to me. "Is that what you do full time?"
I nodded. “Along the lines of that specific area of research. I can’t get into specifics—”
“HIPAA laws, you know?” Fai interjected, throwing me a wink.
I laughed lightly. “Exactly, HIPAA laws. But I do focus on the rehabilitation of convicted criminals.”
“That must be incredibly fulfilling,” Gabriel mused, his entire focus on me now. “What can you share about your work?”
I smiled as I explained the ins and outs of how I got to the position I was in. In fact, we spent most of the dinnerconversation talking about my work and the schooling that got me to this point. I made sure to keep an eye on Fai, to ensure he wasn’t upset that the conversation had moved on from him and his family, but he seemed just as happy as Gabriel to hear me talk. Knowing Fai, he was probably enjoying the reprieve from being the center of attention, taking the time to process what he learned about his parents.
I had always found it interesting how Fai processed. It was incredibly internal. Many would assume, just by watching him, that he didn’t think too deeply about concepts or didn’t process these moments at all. From the outside, it looked like he took the information in and simply moved on. But I knew better. Fai would think, and think… and think things over. The amount of mental energy he expended on a daily basis would send most people into a coma. It’s how he processed the world, thinking through every avenue internally and only sharing when he was done.
I could analyze why he did it that way. Hell, I had many times. He was used to being alone, not having anyone to lean on for emotional support. He didn’t choose to be as independent as he was, situations forced him to be. It was the only way he was able to survive.
I felt extremely lucky that for a time, he was able to open up to me. That for the first time, he wasn’t alone in this world.
Until he was again.
I shook the thought off. The divorce was necessary. Excruciatingly painful, but extremely necessary. Looking at him now, I couldn’t help but be grateful for the divorce. He was thriving. Seven months sober, finding his footing in work again, and meeting his brother. I tried not to dwell on the fact that he only got sober after I left, and instead focused on being grateful that he had gotten sober at all.
For so long I worried about him. I would dread the day I received a call letting me know he had gotten in a stupid bar fight, or wrapped his car around a tree. He wasn’t reckless by nature, but he couldn’t avoid the consequences of his drinking forever. After each relapse, every time the phone rang, my heart dropped before I even looked at the screen.
I would thank whatever god was out there that Fai was alive today. After our conversation in the car, not even Fai had expected to make it this far.
I knew he didn’t believe it, but he deserved nothing but good in his life. I hoped someday he would come to understand that.
What I had to understand was that I was no longer that good. I was grateful to be here for him, but this trip was already prying open something in my chest that I had worked hard to keep closed. If I had moved on, found someone new, I could have been here as his friend and only his friend. But Fai held the only key to my heart, and that hadn't changed. This trip was dangerous for a heart as carefully pieced together as mine, and I had to be deliberate about the boundaries I kept, no matter what.
Another yawn escaped me, the long day finally catching up. Dinner had been wonderful, but I was ready to collapse.
“We need to get this one to bed,” Fai mused with a smile as he looked at me. “Once the yawning starts, you have a small amount of time to get her into a bed before she collapses.”
I rolled my eyes but didn’t argue. Iwasready for bed.
“Let me show you to your room,” Gabriel insisted as he stood, his chair scraping underneath him, but he paused, looking between the two of us. “Ah, hell. I forgot you’re divorced.”
I raised a brow at him in question.
“There’s only one extra bed. I don’t get a lot of visitors,” he grimaced. "I'm sorry, I assumed you were still married. I didn't mean to put you in an awkward position."
So much for boundaries.
The implications hit me like a wave in the ocean. I was going to have to share a bed with my ex-husband.
Well, I could insist that Fai sleep on the couch. He would do it without argument. But that didn’t seem fair. This trip was already heavy enough, and he deserved a place to unwind at the end of the day.
At the same time, I didn’t want to sleep on a stranger’s couch. Gabriel seemed like a good man, but he was still a stranger. No woman was going to feel entirely comfortable sleeping in a stranger's living room.
I glanced at Fai, who was already looking at me with wide eyes. I could see him getting ready to offer to sleep on the couch, but I couldn’t have that.
“We’ll be fine sharing a room,” I explained to Gabriel, who seemed apologetic for the circumstances.
“You sure?” He asked. “We can make up the couch for one of you, or even I can take it. You can sleep in my bed.”
I waved him off. "It's really fine. Fai and I shared a bed for sixteen years. What's a few more nights?"
