Page 132 of Running
Now Rawley gets in the mix. “Yeah, what track stuff?” So much for being my ally.
“I don’t want to talk about that now.” I feel a rising annoyance. Can’t they leave it alone?
“But we do,” Landon insists.
“I didn’t mean to mention it. It’s not like you guys have cared about my running career anyway.” And there it is—the no-filter Grace coming out.
“Whoa, Gracie,” Rawley says.
Welp, I guess since I’m in honesty mode… “Sorry, but it’s the truth.”
Landon looks intently at me. “What in the world happened with track, Grace?”
“I thought you wanted to talk about Johnson?”
“Nice attempt to pivot, sis,” Connor pipes in. “Now I’m curious too. I couldn’t care less about the Johnson stuff—well, unless he’s an asshole to you. But what the heck are you talking about?”
With Connor piling on, I finally crumble. Maybe it will feelgoodto share this with them?
“You might want to sit down,” I say to Landon and Rawley.
“I’m getting a beer first,” Rawley says. “Sounds like I’m going to need it.” Landon shoots him a look but sits down at the kitchen table.
A minute later, all four of us gathered at Landon’s kitchen table, I tell them my story.
I have to begin even further back than I expect, because Connor doesn’t even know about some of my achievements, being so much younger.
“Wait, you were that good, Gracie?” he asks when I leap in my tale at the middle of my NCAA career.
“Bro, she was high school state champion for like, three things,” Rawley says.
“I remember that now, but I guess it hadn’t sunk in.”
I go slower and break down my college highlights for them too. Landon’s gone quiet, listening. I suspect some of these milestones haven’t been on his radar screen.
And then, finally, I describe what happened with Larry Smalls and how I reacted, how I stopped running and only recently have been able to fall in love with the sport again.
When I finish, you could hear a pin drop.
“Oh shit, Grace,” Rawley says, finally breaking the silence. “I’m so sorry.”
Landon, in turn, looks crushed. “I can’t believe you had to go through all of that alone. I wish I could have been there for you.”
“Same,” Connor says.
“I’m fine, now.” I truly am, and the point of this conversation is not to make them feel bad for me. “Better for it even. I’m running for me, not anyone else. And I think I—I needed that shake up to find my own strength.”
“It’s like how you are with Mom now,” Connor astutely observes.
“Sort of, I am still avoiding the conversation that needs to be had with her,” I acknowledge. “But I’ve had some epiphanies the last few months. I’m tired of doing things I don’t want to do, not making my own choices.”
Rawley shakes his head. “We don’t want that for you either.”
“It’s hard work though. It’s like I’m changing my factory default settings.” I chuckle. “But I need to start setting better boundaries.”
“It seems like you already are,” Landon says, understanding rippling across his face. “I’m proud of you. I know I’ve been part of the problem,” I begin to object, and he raises his hand, “I have been, Gracie, let’s be honest. But that stops now.”
I reach over and touch the top of his hand. “Okay. Thank you.”
