Page 146 of Running
“You are not a pain—well, maybe your schedule is. But you’re one of the only people who I can talk to about this.”
“What’s going on?” Her voice loses its joking timbre.
I catch her up on my runs with the Tolliver team, bringing the story all the way forward to Shelley’s feedback today about going pro.
“Grace. That’s frickin’ amazing.”
I smile at her enthusiasm. “It’s just one woman’s opinion, but it’s definitely made me rethink everything that’s gotten me to this point. Why I’m not competing.”
“Even with zero track and field experience, I know this is probably easier said than done—but why wouldn’t you go for it?” Sarah asks.
I take a deep breath. Sarah has such a strong belief in her athletic abilities. I wonder if I can translate my challenges into a framework she’ll fully understand.
“I just—I’ve always been swayed by other people’s opinions of me. You aren’t like that, I know.”
“No,” Sarah says. “But I’ve had plenty of friends who are. It’s already tricky to manage your mind in sports at any level, but when you’re vulnerable to other’s views of you, it’s a major struggle.”
“Yup, that’s the way I’ve been my whole life, including with my running. But I don’t know, something’s shifted. Maybe it’s growing up? Being on my own longer?”
“Yeah, the passage of time helps put things in perspective too.”
“Definitely.” I’ve now reached my car, and I lean against the driver’s side door. “I don’t want any regrets—well, any more than I already have for missing the last twenty or so months.”
“Well, then, is there even a question in your mind of what to do?” Sarah asks.
I sit with her query for a few beats. And I put words to something that I’ve been unable to articulate until exactly this moment.
“It’s going to sound weird to you, I think. I have to give myself permission to go for it. Permission to do what I want, without waiting for direction from anyone else.”
“Well, then you don’t need me. You only need yourself.”
She’s entirely right.
“Having said that, come back to me if you want to talk more, Grace.”
“Thanks, and see you soon I hope.”
After a couple more minutes of catch up, we end the call and I start the drive home to Johnson’s.
I still want to talk to him, but the conversation with Sarah is cementing my thoughts.
I’m done shrinking myself to fit for other people.
CHAPTER 46
Johnson
“Are you sure about this?”
“Yes. Landon can’t ignore you in front of all his guys,” Carter replies.
Two hours ago, our medical team decided that I might be ready to play the game after next. I stuck around for a couple of other meetings, and the news of the target timeline has spread to the offensive starters, resulting in Carter dragging me away as the latest meeting ended.
He asked me if Landon and I had sorted things out yet, and when I explained that I’m not even getting responses to my messages, he grimaced.
“We have to get this resolved before you’re back to play.”
Leading us here, now, in front of the linebacker room. Honestly, I’m doubtful of Carter’s plan to march in and see if Landon will listen to what I have to say. But I’m willing to give it a try.
