Page 74 of Not So Fast
“It’s nothing. I’ll work it out.”
“Mia… I can see it on your face. It’s not nothing.”
Visions of the night in Monza popped into his head. There in the park, Mia had told him she could see stress taking up residence in his body. Now he saw the same thing in her.
“I managed to destroy the one thing I built in my life, all because I was trying to protect it. You know, people always tell me I’m smart, but right now I feel incredibly stupid.”
“You are not stupid. And you can always shift gears if you need to. The podcast doesn’t have to be the only great thing you do. It’s only proof that you have amazing ideas and can make things happen. People shift gears and make changes in their lives all the time.”
“I’ve spent my whole life doing that. I want to stick to one thing. For once.”
He hated hearing the distress in her voice, but he admired her determination. “You always talk about the jobs you’ve left or careers you’ve pursued as if it’s some sign of a personal shortcoming. What if it isn’t that? What if it’s just that you knew they weren’t right for you?”
“You’re giving me more credit than I deserve.”
Xander sat back a bit, creating distance between them. She wasn’t listening. And she was being unreasonably hard on herself.
“I think you need to decide what you want. What you want more than anything.”
He could see her brain immediately go into overdrive, whirring and tumbling and processing.
“What I want is for everything to not be so complicated. I just want there to be a clear path forward. For the skies to part and for the sun to shine a bright light on an answer. What I really want is impossible. I want to be loved and appreciated… I want to beadored, for being exactly who I am.”
Xander laughed, finding none of this funny. “But you already have that. From me. I love you.”
Her shoulders dropped. “I love you, too. But that’s not exactly what I mean. I’m not talking about romance or a relationship. I’m talking about having a purpose and being appreciated for what I do. Finding my perfect place. I thought I’d found that with the podcast and it’s turned into a nightmare. And unfortunately, it has me wondering if I belong in the world of F1 at all.”
“But that world is my world. So yes, you do belong in it. However you decide to be a part of it.”
She shook her head slowly. “Your world is big and glamorous. And my world is tiny and not like that at all. Do Iactuallybelong in your world?”
He wanted to scream,But I love you, and hope his words could shake her thinking and turn all this around. But she was clearly questioning whether or not they belonged together and he’d be damned if he would convince her. If she didn’tknowit in the very core of her being, then it wasn’t right.
“That night with my family, it felt like you belonged in my world.”
“That night with your family was lovely and amazing. But it wasn’t everything.”
“It was something.”
She closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. “This whole thing has happened so fast.”
And there it was. She’d told him, straight up, that she needed time to wrap her head around relationships. He needed to give her that space. It didn’t feel fast to him, but his entire life was built around speed.
“I think you need some time to think. And some space.”
She nodded. “I think you’re right. As scary as that might sound. Because we both know I could win a gold medal in overthinking.”
“It’s the way your beautiful brain works. Let it do its job.” Just then, a man appeared at the curb and nodded at Xander. “Looks like the person is here to take your bags.”
“Okay.”
He climbed out of the car and pulled her bags from the boot. As he set down her suitcases, he knew very well he wasn’t close to being ready to let her go. Frankly, this was a shitty way to say goodbye. But just like so many other things in his life, it was imperfect and deeply flawed and he was learning to accept that.
“I’m just going to say one more thing. Only you can decide what you want. And I don’t want to influence your choices. I think you and I need to wait to talk until I’m in Austin.”
“What? Why? Are you breaking up with me?”
He smiled for an instant. Funnily enough, most of that conversation had felt likeshewas breaking up withhim.
