Page 13 of My Never
I huff and lean back, quiet for the rest of the ride to my truck.
???
Blowing out my breath, I kick off my boots as soon as I shut my front door. Rubbing the back of my neck, I amble to the kitchen, dropping my keys on the warm-toned oak table that I built with my own two hands and look through the stack of mail I grabbed earlier. There’s nothing of immediate importance.
I keep playing tonight out over and over in my mind. If it’s not that, Colin’s conversations sprinkled over the last few months just reverberate in my head like a clanging gong. I need to figure out what else I want from life.
Our fishing trip that went awry last fall solidified the fact that I’m restless and need to pull my head out of my ass. If you look at me on paper, things look pretty good. I own a company with one of my best friends. It’s going well, and I’m financially stable. Who wouldn’t love that? I look around and see that I have this gorgeous, little house, but it feels empty. Yes, I poured bits of my heart and soul into pieces I made, but it’s still lacking life.
It’s definitely nothing like Ava’s little kitchen where you walk in and feel at home. It was full of life. Full of her. Everything in it, a testament to the kind of person she is. I want something like that for myself. I used to think I already had it. I shake my head, suddenly overwhelmed. She is nothing like how she appears to everyone on the surface. She is completely unexpected, and damn it, I’m curious. I want to know more about the vivacious girl hiding behind her quiet facade. I’m pretty salty with myself that I never allowed her the opportunity to feel comfortable with me. I snort, realizing that I do the same with myself. Only my select few know “me”. I’m going to work on that this year.
So, on the outside, first appearances mostly look good. A closer inspection likely finds me lacking. According to the guys, my wandering eyes and smooth talk put a giant, red, rubber stamp across my forehead that reads: Manwhore.Smhh…I shake my head and walk down the hallway to my bath to turn the knob on for a hot shower. Stripping down, I eye the man facing me in the mirror. I know that there is so much to be thankful for, so much to be proud of, but I also know that over the past few years, there have been a lot of questions I haven’t answered for myself either. I’m getting sick of doing this all alone. There’snobody to share any of it with. The words that just keep echoing are restless. Empty. Wasted. I have spent so much time wasting it.
The steam is fogging up the mirror, so I climb in and just allow the hot water to scald my skin as I lean under it, pressing both palms against the wall. I just want to feel. I don’t even care what I feel at this point as long as I’m not numb.
I need to get laid. I can’t remember how long it’s been. Have I even had sex this year yet? I shake my head under the water, realizing that I’m going on months. This is a new record for me. The last time was shortly after our unfortunate brush with Mother Nature, so I’m thinking that was around Thanksgiving sometime with Mindy. It left me feeling just as empty as the last time we were together. Easy hookups just aren’t hitting the spot for me like they used to.
Turning off the water, I reach up for the pale gray towel and rub it over my face and dark hair. Even though the circumstances surrounding how I ended up there completely sucked, tonight had been nice with Ava at her place. Once I decided to quit being an ass that is and put in a little effort to make a girl feel better about life and herself. Just having someone to share a meal with and have an actual conversation with was refreshing. I never expected to enjoy anything that came out of that bratty mouth, nor did I expect to just be myself with her. When Colin had texted to say he was in her driveway, I actually felt a pang of longing to just stay put with her on that couch eating pizza and picking whatever movies she wanted to watch.
She made mefeel. She made me feel like all the pretentious bullshit I sling at everyone else was justpoof…gone. We were just two people getting to know each other and giving each other basic human decency. It felt really good to take careof someone. When she asked about my life, she was genuinely interested in getting to know the real me.
Am I capable of recreating that atmosphere with her? Can I push this new side of our budding friendship to the surface and keep it there? Or am I going to continue being the same old Mark with her? Is she even interested in me as a friend, or was it just our close proximity under a stressful situation? What the hell even made me want to step in as her fake boyfriend? Why didn’t I do what Colin suggested and just confront the situation and stand up for her in general without attaching myself romantically?
Gah…It’s practically nine. There’s nothing to do, and I have zero interest in going to Phil’s for a beer by myself. I’m getting too old for this shit. I’m going to bed.
???
Ava
Plink!The hollow sound of the metal spoon hitting the bottom of my now empty pint of cookies and cream ice cream is actually quite satisfying. I reach forward, thunking it down on top of the coffee table before curling back up in my cocoon.
This whole day was a clusterfuck. I’ve been laying here watching HGTV episodes of Joanna and Chip Gaines flaunting theirFixer Uppergenius. I just love how they love each other and have such passion for every aspect of their lives. I wonder if it’s that way off screen too. Sure, everyone has their bad days, but they just seem… happy. At twenty-eight years old, I can say with certainty that I have not found my happy yet. I do thankfully have this home and a great job, but I need more. Not more things. I have every physicalthing that I could truly need.No, what I need is to fill the emptiness in my soul. I need my person. I want a family.
5
Ava
Smoothing down my pencil skirt, I walk into my bathroom and crank up the volume on my Spotify playlist while I get ready to be that badass bitch again today. Labrinth shares with the world that ‘Mount Everest ain’t got shit on me’. I like it. I’m going to go with that vibe today. It’s finally the end of the week, I’ve finished my cycle, and I want to see the girls. I pull up our group chat.
Me: Girls, I feel like drinks tonight. It’s been one hell of a week. Phil’s Place? Who’s in?
I set my phone down and work on my face for the day.
Ping.
I click on the phone to see which one of my gals messaged back.
Jane: Ava wants to go out, Ava gets to go out. I’m in!
Holly: Uh, duh, I’m in!
Sydney: I need details about why Colin had to come grab Mark from your house the other night…
All the bubbles going the second that hit the screen have my stomach clenching simultaneously with a few giggles because that’s a quick way to get everyone’s attention.
Jane: What the heck did we miss?!
Holly: Ummmm, yeah, gonna need deets…
