Page 21 of Rush
"It was a mistake," I say.
"What was? Almost kissing me or stopping?"
"Both."
She studies me for a long second, then she nods. "Okay."
"Okay?"
"Yeah, okay. You're not interested. Message received."
"That's not what I said."
"Then what are you saying, Rush? Because I'm tired of trying to figure you out."
I should tell her the truth, should tell her I'm too fucked up for this, that I'll hurt her eventually because that's what I do.
But instead, I step closer and say, "I'm saying I can't do this."
"Can't or won't?"
"Both."
"Why?"
"Because I'm not good for you."
She laughs but there's no humor in it. "That's the worst excuse I've ever heard."
"It's the truth."
"No, it's you being scared." She steps even closer, until we're inches apart. "You're terrified of wanting something so you're pushing me away before you even try."
"You don't know what you're talking about."
"Don't I?" Her voice is soft but there's steel underneath. "You want me. I know you do. But you're so afraid of losing control that you won't let yourself have anything good."
The words hit like a punch because they're true.
Every single word is true.
I am terrified, I am pushing her away, I am afraid of losing control.
Because if I lose control with her I won't be able to stop, and that terrifies me more than anything else.
"You should go," I say.
"Yeah, I should." She unlocks her car, but before she gets in, she looks at me one more time. "For what it's worth, I think you're worth the risk."
Then she's gone and I'm standing in the parking lot alone, my chest tight and my hands clenched into fists.
I wanted to kiss her so badly I could taste it, wanted to pull her close and show her exactly what I'm capable of when I'm not holding back.
But I couldn't.
Because the second I stop holding back, I become the kid in juvie again, the one who breaks noses and doesn't stop until someone makes him.
And Everly deserves better than that.
