Page 18 of Rush
That night, I dream about juvie again.
I'm thirteen, two weeks in, still figuring out how things work.
There's a kid named Marcus who runs the block. He's eighteen and built like he's been lifting since birth.
He decided I owe him commissary and I told him to fuck off.
Big mistake.
He comes at me in the showers, three guys with him for backup.
I see it coming and have two choices: take the beating or fight back.
I fight back.
My first punch breaks his nose. Blood sprays across the tile, the sound wet and sharp. It makes my stomach turn.
But I don't stop.
I can't stop.
Because if I stop, they'll know I'm weak and weak doesn't survive in here.
So I keep hitting him until someone pulls me off, until the guards come running, until I'm in solitary with bloody knuckles and a black eye.
I'm in solitary for three days, and the whole time I'm thinking about what I've become.
I shot my teacher and now I'm beating people bloody in juvie showers.
This is who I am now.
This is what I've turned into.
And the worst part is I'm terrified I'm never getting out, terrified this is my life now—violence and concrete and fear.
I make a promise to myself in that cell: if I ever get out, I'll never lose control like that again.
Never.
I wake up sweating, my heart pounding like I'm still in that shower.
The smell of blood and bleach is so real I can taste it. The sound of Marcus hitting the floor echoes in my ears.
I sit up and put my head in my hands, my breath coming too fast.
It's been years since I've had that dream, years since I've thought about Marcus or solitary or the promise I made.
But it's all there, just under the surface, waiting.
I get up and go to the bathroom, splash cold water on my face until my hands stop shaking.
Then I look at myself in the mirror.
I'm not that kid anymore. I've got control now. I've built a life.
But tonight, I almost lost it. I almost kissed Diesel's daughter in the hallway of the clubhouse like some asshole who can't keep his shit together.
I grab the edge of the sink and squeeze until my knuckles go white.
