Page 160 of Rush
I'm at my flat when Rush shows up around nine.
I've been crying on and off for the last hour. My eyes are red and my chest hurts.
"Hey," he says when I open the door. "You left the clubhouse without telling me. I was worried."
"Sorry, I just needed to be alone."
He walks inside and studies me. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"Everly, you've been crying. What happened?"
I want to tell him, want to just say the words and get it over with.
But Ciara's voice is in my head and I can't shake it.
"Did you ever say you never wanted kids?" I ask.
The question clearly blindsides him. "What?"
"Did you say that? That you never want children?"
"Where is this coming from?"
"Just answer the question."
"I don't know, maybe? I've never really thought about it."
My chest tightens. "Did you say you despise women who trap men into being fathers?"
His face falls, and I watch the weight of my words hit him.
"Everly, what the fuck is going on?"
"Just answer the question."
"I don't remember ever saying that exactly, but?—"
"But what?"
"But I might have said something like it years ago when I was talking shit with the guys. I don't know."
The admission makes my stomach drop.
"So it's true."
"I don't know, maybe? But that was before I met you, before any of this."
"Before what?"
"Before I fell in love with you, before I started thinking about a future."
I want to believe him but I can't get past the fear.
"Why are you asking me this?" he asks.
I don't answer. I can't.
