Page 52 of Rush
I want to be the person she thinks I am when she looks at me.
I want to be someone who deserves her kindness, her challenge, her sharp tongue.
I want to be good.
But wanting doesn't change what I am, doesn't erase what I've done.
Doesn't change the fact that I'd hurt Octavia all over again if it meant saving Ruby.
That's the truth I can't escape, the horror that follows me everywhere.
I'm capable of hurting people I care about when the stakes are high enough.
And with Everly, the stakes feel impossibly high.
Because I'm falling for her, and that makes her someone I could hurt.
Someone I could destroy in my desperation to keep her safe or to protect what matters.
She gets on the bus and disappears and I get on my bike. I ride until I end up at the coast.
The Irish Sea is gray and cold and endless. The wind cuts through my jacket but I don't feel it.
I stand on the cliff and think about what Tank and Bozo said, about not living my life afraid.
But the fear is rational; it's based on evidence, on a pattern I can't ignore.
I hurt Octavia because I was desperate to save Ruby.
What happens when I'm desperate to keep Everly safe?
What happens when someone threatens her and that violence under my skin demands to be let loose?
I know what happens. I've seen it before.
Someone kind ends up bleeding and I end up living with the guilt.
I can't do that to her. I can't make her another person I care about who gets hurt because of me.
But I also can't seem to stay away, can't seem to stop wanting her.
And that's the real problem—the wanting doesn't stop no matter how many times I tell myself it should.
Tuesday morning, Pyro calls me into the chapel before I've even had coffee.
"Sit," he says, and his tone tells me this isn't good.
I sit and wait. My hands are relaxed on my thighs but my mind is racing.
"Diesel called," Pyro says.
My stomach drops. "About what?"
"About his daughter. Apparently, word got back to him that you're watching her, following her around Dublin."
"I'm doing my job."
"Your job is to make sure she's safe, not stalk her." Pyro leans forward. "I've got reports of you outside Trinity multiple times a week, outside her flat, outside restaurants. That's not protection, Rush. That's obsession."
