Page 101 of Rush
"I know."
"Do you? Because you keep waiting for me to fuck it up."
"Can you blame me? You've got a track record of overthinking and pulling away."
"Fair, but I'm trying to be different."
"I know you are, and I'm trying to believe it. But, Rush, you have to understand, this is scary for me too. I'm choosing someone who's spent weeks pushing me away, who's convinced he's going to hurt me, whose dad is going to lose his mind. That's a lot."
"I know."
"So I need you to be patient with me while I figure out if I can trust this."
"Okay."
"Okay?"
"Yeah, okay. I'll be patient."
We stay like that for a long time, just breathing together, being close.
This is what I needed. Not sex, just connection.
The reassurance that last night wasn't a fluke, that he's really here, that he's really choosing me.
"I'm glad you stayed," I say quietly.
"I'm glad you let me."
"I'm glad you didn't panic and run at dawn."
"I thought about it."
I pull back to look at him. "Really?"
"For about two seconds, yeah. Old habits."
"What stopped you?"
"You. The way you looked when you were sleeping. The fact that I didn't want to be that guy anymore."
"What guy?"
"The guy who runs when things get real."
I reach up and touch his face. "You're not that guy."
"I'm trying not to be."
"That's all I'm asking."
Later, when Rush is asleep beside me, I lie there thinking about everything.
This isn't going to be simple. I know that.
My dad is going to push back hard. He's going to test Rush, probably try to scare him off.
Ciara is going to keep making her subtle moves, positioning herself as the one who knows him better.
