Page 14 of Wild Devotion
Oh God. I might have narrowly avoided becoming one of those women who gave birth on a public toilet.
My hands were shaking so hard, the stupid pink plus sign looked like a moving target. My entire body vibrated with nervous energy. Despite the wobble in my legs, I drifted to the living room where Chantel was waiting with her feet propped, watching television.
“Well? You knocked up or what?” she quipped between bites of her apple.
“How did you know? You knew.” I waved the positive pee stick at her. “But how did you know?”
“I could just tell.”
I shook my head, still uncertain I trusted it, even with the evidence staring me in the face. “But I couldn’t tell, so how could you?”
“You, my friend, were in what we professionals like to call really big denial. Sorry, but I couldn’t stand the excuses any longer. Time to face the music.”
“But I don’t want to face the music. I don’t think I like this song.” I crossed my arms and pouted like a toddler.
Was this a normal reaction to pregnancy?
“I know, cocotte, but I’m here to sing it with you, and I can call some backup dancers if you want.” Her sincerity rang through, despite her sarcasm.
“Yes. Wait, I’m confused. You mean cry, right? Because the only backup dancers I want are Ben and Jerry, and you have a terrible singing voice. I don’t need any more trauma.”
“I do not. But if it makes you feel better, you can sing, cry, or curse. Or we could write a nasty letter to Trojan and then make a voodoo doll of Sean. Whatever it takes.” She patted the spot on the couch beside her, silently urging me to take a seat.
But I couldn’t seem to stop my nervous pacing. Not when her words dragged up the memory of the last time Sean and I had sex. Him pinning me to the bed. His brutal aggression. My sticky thighs.
“There was no condom,” I mused, like it was a fucking revelation. That awful moment—my shameful silence, unable to stand up for myself, to say no—and this was the result.
“Birth control?”
Fuck. “No,” I whispered, unable to find enough air to form more words. It felt like a vacuum was sucking all the oxygen from the room.
Were the walls closing in?
My eyes welled, blurring my vision, but it made no difference because blinding stupidity had already taken hold of me.
How had I not seen this coming? How many times could I run into the same wall before I learned my lesson that it hurt? The wall hadn’t changed the way it looked. It was still the same shade of perfect, store-bought prettiness. The wall didn’t change its name or even try to hide the fact that it was still the same fucking wall.
Nope. I was just a naïve idiot who couldn’t see the wall until I walked face first into it.
“Well then…” Chantel sighed. “I guess ice cream sounds about right. I can throw in a fried pickle or something, if you want. I hear pregnant chicks like that sort of thing.”
Thank God for my best friend. She understood my need to make light of this. She knew it was okay to crack jokes. Otherwise, I might fall apart into uncontrollable sobbing.
“Chantel, I’ve barely got things on track on here. I just started school and my job. And Sean? Fuck, I just got rid of him. I don’t want to let him infiltrate my life all over again.”
“He’s not going to.” Her voice shifted to stern doctor mode, and her face followed suit. “This baby, no matter what you decide to do about it, has nothing to do with him. You will decide what’s right for you, and he will live with the consequences.”
She sounded convincing, and I so badly wanted to be convinced. The thought of Sean coming back into my life, for any reason, spiked my blood pressure.
He was a filthy, lying, no good…father of my unborn child.
There was no question about the paternity. From the very first back-alley interlude, there’d been no one else. Right now, I kind of wished I wasn’t so hellbent on monogamy—anything to make it possible the baby belonged to someone else.
My entire body shook, each breath more ragged than the last.
“Zadie! Are you hyperventilating?” Chantel scowled at me. “Get your ass over here and sit down.”
I dropped on the cushion beside her and forced myself to calm.
