Page 38 of Toxic Attraction
TASH: Hot
ME: TASH!
TASH: WHAT? Intensity is sexy! also you're alive, meaning he likes you.
ME: He terrifies me.
TASH: And?
ME: And WHAT?
TASH: Does he turn you on too?
I stare at the screen for a long moment, unable to type the truth.
ME: I hate you.
TASH: That's a yes. I knew it! Val, you have to use this.
ME: Use what? My horrifying trauma response?
TASH: Your ATTRACTION! He wants you. You want him. Use that to your advantage.
ME: It's not that simple.
TASH: It never is. But babe... you can't risk getting attached. Not to him, not to Mila, not to any of this. It's too dangerous. You understand that, right?
Her words settle in my chest like stones.
ME: I know.
TASH: Do you? Because you already sound attached.
ME: She's seven, and she's been through hell.
TASH: So have you. Don't forget why you're there. Don't forget what happens if you fail. Do not forget you are still in hell. You do not yet have the luxury to say you have been through it.
ME: I know.
But I'm lying. To her and to myself.
Because I am attached. To Mila's small hand in mine. To the way she smiles when I braid her hair. To the trust in her eyes that I don't deserve and can't return honestly.
And worse, so much worse, I'm drawn to Lev in ways that should horrify me more than they do. Ways that make my body respond even when my mind knows it's wrong. Ways that make me crave his attention even when it comes wrapped in death.
I lie in my new bed and listen to him move around through the wall.
Footsteps. Water running in what must be his bathroom. The creak of floorboards as he walks from one room to another.
My imagination fills in the gaps I shouldn't be thinking about.
Is he showering? Getting ready for bed? Touching himself the way I touched myself thinking about him?
The thought makes heat flood through me again, makes my thighs press together, makes my hand slide down my stomach before I can stop it.
No. This is wrong. I can't—
But my fingers keep moving, slipping under my underwear, finding wetness that's been there since his office. Since he threatened me, grabbed my jaw, and made me feel things I shouldn't feel.
