Page 59 of Edging Coach
“Vanilla?”
I nodded. “Yes. That. But then we got together…” I stared at the table with unfocused eyes, pretending not to notice that familiar stir below my belt. “I don’t know. It just… happened, I guess.”
“Was it a good experience?”
“Very,” I said without hesitation. “It was… Honestly, it was the hottest thing I’ve ever experienced.”
Sanjay nodded. “So now you’re looking for something similar. With someone else.” He dipped his chin slightly and raised his eyebrows, his eyes adding,“Potentially with me.”
“Yes,” I croaked. “I can’t stop thinking about it.”
Silence hung between us for a long time. I couldn’t shake the feeling he was reading me. Seeing feelings and body language that I couldn’t even define.
When he finally spoke, his tone was gentle, “I need to ask you something, Jack. And I need you to be honest with me.”
“Okay.” I turned my coffee cup between my fingers. “I’ll be honest.”
More silence. More of Sanjay studying me intently.
Then, voice still gentle, he asked, “Is it the submission you can’t stop thinking about? Or is it the man who made you submit?”
A shiver went through me.
Sanjay gave a knowing nod as an uneasy smile spread across his lips. “I don’t think I’m the one you want, Jack.”
Panic straightened my spine as embarrassment heated my face. “What? What do you mean? I?—”
“Relax,” he whispered. “I’m not judging you or criticizing you. But… I’m getting the impression you’re looking for more than just pain and submission.” His smile turned a little sad, though his eyes were still soft and kind. “I think you’re looking for it fromhim.”
My tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth. “He’s not available to me, though.”
“Maybe not. But I don’t thinkyou’reavailable tome.”
The comment hit me in the gut. “I… How do you figure?”
“If I’m going to top you safely, I need you to be focusedon me. I need you to want to submitto me. If you’re looking for something I’m not—for someoneI’m not—then you’re not going to be fully in the moment. At best, we won’t enjoy ourselves. Atworst…” He grimaced. “At worst, I could push you too far. Hurt you. Cross a line you trust him to cross, but not me.” Exhaling, he sat back in his chair. “I can’t do that to you, Jack. And I won’t.”
It was weird, feeling this much relief and disappointment at the same time. The pressure was off to submit to him. All those bizarre feelings I’d had when he’d told me to let him buy me a coffee—they were gone. But I was also back at square one. Still without someone to dominate me.
“You’re not going to submit to every Dom,” Sanjay said. “You won’t, and you shouldn’t. Submissives don’t submit to everyone who barks an order at them—just their own trusted Dom.”
I gazed into my coffee.
“What you need more than anything is the right Dom,” he said, “and that’s not me.”
I swallowed as I forced myself to look at him. “How do I find the right person? Because I have no reason to distrust you. But the only other Dom I’ve ever had—we just sort of stumbled into it. I didn’t even know I needed or wanted one. He just… was.”
“And this was recently?” Sanjay asked. “The hookup that turned to kink?”
“Yeah. Very recently.” I absently traced the rim of my coffee cup with my finger. “It’s a long story, but he and I—we can’t be together. Which is why I went looking elsewhere.”
“Understandable. Sometimes it doesn’t work for a variety of reasons.”
I nodded slowly. “I barely know him, though.” I rubbed the back of my neck. “He was a stranger the first time, but it was so…”
“Easy?”
“Yes. That.”
