Page 102 of What If We Break?
Part of me didn’t want to believe he was truly gone, that I’d never see him again, never hear his voice again, never get another hug and an “I’m so proud of you” after a hockey game again.
Surely it was all just a bad dream, and he was safely inside his house in Spain, and he would call me any second. He couldn’t have been dead. I was only twenty years old, parents are supposed to be alive at that point in their child’s life. He was supposed to be there for my wedding. Dad was supposed to be the greatest grandpa to my kids.
But deep down, I knew he was gone, wanted to grieve and find my way back into my old life, laugh, play hockey, and be happy… but the whole goddamn way back, there was nothing but a pitch-black forest with misleading signs.
With every passing day on this planet without him, each step I took felt heavier. My heart felt emptier, as if a huge piece of it was missing.
My games felt different. Skating practice with Brooke felt different. Even breathing and being alive felt different.
Colin took the loss better than I did. He was grieving, and he wasn’t as happy as before but was still functioning. Each day I watched him be the greatest dad ever, laugh with his kids, and talk to his wife without tears in his eyes. Then suddenly, I’d catch myself wondering if his kids would have to live almost their whole lives without him as well, and if Lily would become a widow at not even fifty.
I could lose my brother in ten years when Kieran turned twenty, if not earlier.
As it seemed, our family was doomed to die young, so it wasn’t even that unlikely to happen.
What if I died young? I didn’t want to marry Brooke andleave her a widow in her twenties. And I didn’t want her to have my babies just to raise them all on her own because I couldn’t make it past my early thirties.
It wasn’t fair to her.
“Do you think you’ll die too early?” I asked, our eyes meeting.
He frowned at me in confusion. “Why would I?”
I shrugged. “Kind of seems like it’s a thing in our family.”
“Death is unpredictable, Reece,” he said. “There are no age restrictions, and it’s not usually up to us when we die.”
“But that wasn’t my question, was it?” I leaned back against the kitchen counter. “Don’t you ever just think about it? Like, seriously, Colin, you’ve seen two of our siblings die at a young age, and now Dad’s dead way too early. Mom’s probably going to die next week just for the sake of fucking with our family. I never met either of our grandparents because two of them died the same year I was born, the other two died whenyouwere young, and I wasn’t even anywhere in sight yet. Our aunts and uncles? Never fucking met them. To me, it’s a miracle you’re still here.”
“Reece.”
“Have you ever talked to Lily about it? I mean, seriously, I wouldn’t be surprised if you dropped dead right this second. How would Lily raise three kids all on her own? Would she find a new hus?—”
“Lily and I don’t talk about death,” he cut me off. “We don’t mention it, we don’t even think about it. And even if I died tomorrow, she would never get remarried.”
“How would you know?” I raised my eyebrows at him, crossing my arms over my chest. “She’s still young and good-looking. Lily could have a new husband by next week if she wanted to.”
Colin leaned back in his chair, looking at me withnarrowed eyes for a whole minute before he cleared his throat and spoke again. “You’re scared you’re going to die early, and Brooke’s going to be all alone, aren’t you?”
My expression fell, my heart beating faster inside my chest. I clenched my jaw as I dropped my arms and balled my hands into fists.
“How could I not?” I walked over to my brother and took a seat across from him. “Obviously, I wouldn’t want her to move on because she’s mine, but I don’t want her to be alone either because I know that makes her anxious. And what if she does find someone else, he’ll never know her the way I do, so he couldn’t ever make her as happy as I can. And what if…”
I kept on talking about a million different things that’d be completely absurd if I died and Brooke was still alive. I wasn’t sure for how long I kept coming up with theories, and reasons why nobody was ever going to be better for her than I was, but I noticed that each time a new thought passed my lips, my brother’s expression softened. Eventually, he even smiled at me, which seemed pretty odd to me.
Colin smiled a lot, sure, but not usually when I was freaking the fuck out. Wasn’t he supposed to… I don’t know, tell me everything would be all right?
While my brother’s smile didn’t keep me from talking, his following words sure managed to do it.
“Did you notice that not a single thing you’re saying mentions any sort of fear ofyourdeath, but what would happen to Brooke if you died?” Colin said, slightly cocking his head at me. “I don’t think you’re worried about death itself or dying young, Reece. It’s leaving Brooke behind that truly scares you.”
“I guess…” A heavy sigh left my lungs. “But, Colin, don’t you think that’s what’s going to happen? It’s an obvious pattern in our family.”
He kept quiet once again, but not for very long. It was maybe ten seconds, but it felt like the longest ten seconds of my life.
“I used to think about it a lot,” he admitted. “After we found out that Eira would die from her cancer, and then Aiden died. I thought aboutyoua lot. I was convinced I’d lose you, too, but I never thought that I might die next week or something.”
Oh. Well, I suppose that sort of explained why, growing up, Colin had been keeping an eye on me more than anyone else. Before I moved in with him and Lily, Colin used to call me every day just to speak to me. If he wasn’t on the road, he stopped by at home every evening. Sometimes, he’d even take Brooke and me out for ice cream because I didn’t have time for him otherwise.
