Page 148 of Six Years
Huh? My dad? I haven’t talked to him since I cut him off.
“Because he was all,Luan, if you don’t break up with my son, I will… I will do this and that.And because I didn’t want that to happen, I had to break my own heart. Do you know that I love you, Grey Davis? Like, wow, I didn’t think I could ever love you so much but then I broke up with you and I felt like dying. Like, when I came home that evening, I fell into my bed and then I could feel my heart break more with every passing second.”He rolls his eyes with a heavy breath leaving him. “And I was just likewell, shit, I did that. I pushed the only good person in my life away because his stupid ass homophobic father was all like,If you don’t break up with my son, I will kill him myself.And like, honestly, what kind of fucked up father threatens to have his own son murdered only because he isn’t straight? That’s like, sick. But I didn’t want you dead because if you were dead, then I could only ever love you in or on your grave, anyway I’d rather not have you at all than love a ghost. Because like, I love you so much more than apple juice, for sure. And when I went to the cops, they laughed and said Ji-Hoon Li, no Li Ji-your dad, he would never do that because he’s a man of honor. He’s not. I know that. You know that. We all know that. Why don’t they know that?”
I blink. Yeah, that’s all I can really do right now. And swallow,hard. Maybe I should wait until he’s no longer drunk off his ass to get the whole story becausethisdoes not sound like something that makes sense in my brain. To me this sounds like Luan broke up with me because my own father threatened to have me killed if we stayed together, and that would be ridiculous.
Me. Killed. What the fuck?
I know I was just recently in an accident and that I must’ve hit my head hard enough to end up in a coma for two weeks, but I didn’t think I hit my head hard enough to hear Luan say my own father wants to kill me.
“And, you know, I wanted to break up to stop you from getting murdered, and then go to the police and tell them that Ji-Li-Hoon said he—that he would kill my perfect and pretty and handsome boyfriend with the perfect dick size only because he sticks his dick in my ass and not some woman’s pussy. Like can you believe that? And then when I got your dad in jail, I would’ve told you about all of this and then I would’ve prayed that you still loved me and that we could get back together and finally get married but no… theylaughed. And, God, Grey Davis, did you know that this sucks because I love you and I will always love you, but I can’t be with you because if I am, you’ll die, and I’d rather not be with—”
“I got it, baby. You’d rather not be with me than see me dead.” And I guess I will now have to spend all night wondering how much of Luan’s story is true and which parts are fiction.
My dad is an asshole, but he wouldn’t have me murdered, I don’t think.
“I try to not act in my own favor once and suddenly I have a million shattered mini heart pieces instead of one whole heart that’s beating just for you.” He closes his eyes like he’s about to fall asleep, but when they open up again, I notice he didn’t close them because he’s tired but because he’s crying. “Are you mad?” Luan asks, falling right into my arms. I barely have a second to even catch him.
I close my arms—or one and a half—around his body and pull him on my lap. “No, baby.” I guess I should be, but I just… can’t.
It isn’t often that Luan genuinely tries to do something good for anyone but himself, and yes, he might’ve gotten a whole lot better at it the past years, but it’s still rare. His thinking might’ve been awful, too complicated because if he only talked to me before he decided on anything, we could’ve found a solution. Then again, Luan can barely even tell when he’s givingintohis narcissistic tendencies, so how would he know when he’s overdoingkindness?
He meant well, and I appreciate it, even though I wish he would’ve waited and talked to me.
“Good,” he sighs. “Because I love you, Grey Davis. And my life is so bad without you. I couldn’t even—” Luan hiccups, though I’m not sure if that’s because he’s crying or simply from all the alcohol in his bloodstream. “—I couldn’t even sleep or eat or breathe. Everything hurts, Grey Davis. My throat, my eyes, my stomach, my head, and my fucking heart. It all hurts. And I didn’t know how to stop it.”
I hold him a little tighter, squeezing my eyes shut as I listen. With every word that leaves him, you’d think the pain in my heart would lessen, finding out he didn’t want this breakup, that I didn’t even know happened either, but it only ever gets worse.
“Then I drank, Grey Davis. And I couldn’t stop. And I’m so stupid, you know that? Because I feel great now, but then when I wake up you’ll be gone because I’m pretty sure I’m only hallucinating right now, and then I’ll feel bad again, and I’ll drink again. And I don’t know how to make it stop, Grey Davis. I love you. And I miss you. And I just want… I just wantyou. Here. Actually here with me. Not just… Wow. I wanted to move in with you, you know? I still do, but now you probably hate me.”
“I don’t hate you, Luan.” How could I? Every inch of my body is screaming for him. Every nerve, every blood cell, everyatomof mine is useless without him.
He’s the other half of me, and without him I don’t work.
Hating him would be like hating myself.
“Grey Davis?”
“Yes?”
Luan clutches his fingers around the fabric of my jacket. “Someday, when we get back together… even if we’re like a hundred years old, do you think we’ll get married?”
“How about we talk about this tomorrow when you’ve sobered up?” I don’t want to talk about a possible marriage with him when he’s drunk. Chances are still great that he won’t remember any of this, but I will, and I’d rather not remember hearing him talk about our potential wedding when it might never even happen.
I can feel Luan nod, then he lets out a groan. “I think… I think I have to puke.”
“Now?”
Again, he nods, and so I pull his arms away from around me, get up, and somehow pull him up with me before hooking his arm over my shoulder to get him into his bathroom.
Chapter 5
“you kiss away the pain of all the hell I’m in”—Medicine by James Arthur
January 2027
My head is throbbing, my muscles ache, and I feel like I’m sucked completely dry. There’s not an ounce of water inside of me.
But that’s alright.
