Page 20 of Six Years
I’m yet to find out how to live my own life the way I want and still not lose everyone who means something to me in the run.
Also, I haven’t talked to Luan since that day either. He’s sent me a couple of texts, but I never answered any of them. He sent me a hockey meme just a week ago, but other than that he stopped texting altogether, and some part of me hopes it stays that way because I don’t want him to keep on hoping there will ever be something between us, friends or more it doesn’t matter. Another part of me wants him to reach out, give me the opportunity to find the courage and text back.
I don’t even know what about Luan keeps me so intrigued. I met people at bars all the time, brought them home, had a quick fuck and that was it. I was never hung up on them.
Even with my ex-boyfriend, I wasn’t all that interested in the chase or thought about him all too much.
But something about Luan just keeps my head occupied. I want to figure him out, want to listen to more of his babbling. And I mean it, I’m not thinking about him in the sense of wanting tobewith him. He seems like a cool guy, someone you’d want in your life as a friend. Someone you can hang out with and know you’ll have an effortlessly great time because he’ll make sure of it.
And then there are the secrets he holds in his green eyes. Darkness he hides behind the happiness.
“He’s doing it again,” I hear Aaron say. “Dude, what’s up with you? You’ve been more distant than usual since you got back from Malibu.” He shakes me, forcing me out of my thoughts.
“Nothing, I’m fine.”
“Did something happen?” Colin asks, concern now in his voice. Miles didn’t tell them the part of the story he knows, and I never mentioned anything either. I didn’t even tell Miles whatexactlyhappened outside with my father. In fact, I didn’t tell anyone anything.
“No?” I turn around to distract myself by looking at baby clothes now. If my father knew I’m buying stuff from the enemy, he’d not only not talk to me anymore, he’d actually disown me. Though, I’m not sure he didn’t already. “I’m trying to focus on our game tomorrow. I needed painkillers, not baby clothes.”
“What do you need painkillers for? Your twenty-second ice time didn’t lead to any injuries yet.”
Rookies have it tough. If you’re unlucky, you might get to spend your whole first season benched. “At least I had twenty-seconds, unlike you. How long were you on the ice again, Colin?”
He scoffs, mutters something unintelligible under his breath. His father didn’t give him a single second ice time so far, and he’s pissed off to say the least. “Shut up. And we’re getting this dino onesie.”
“You know that thing looks more like a frog to me.” It doesn’t, but Colin drops the onesie immediately anyway. We’re all a little traumatized by them to say the least.
“Oh, can we go check out Li Co.? They have better stuff.” Aaron eyes a frog-themed pajama with disgust.
“They don’t,” I say, my mood now lower than low.
“How would you know?” Colin gasps, smirking now. “It’s your guilty pleasure, isn’t it? Walking around a Li Co. store and knowing their entire collection.”
Something like that. “Shit, and here I thought I could hide that side of me for the rest of my life.”
“Liar.”
“Nosy ass.”
“Sometimes I ask myself how I’m friends with you.” Colin keeps a smile on his lips.
The corners of my mouth lift slightly. “Because you love me. And you three idiots need someone you can tell your relationship drama to, otherwise you might die of a cardiac arrest.”
Colin usually calls me “Mama Grey” whenever he needs to talk about something that’s been nagging at him. I don’t know when this started, but I learned to accept it. According to my friends, I’m the least likely one of us to give stupid advice. The one who’d rather listen than talk back. Which is true, I do listen more than I talk.
Sometimes all people need is for someone to listen. They don’t always want to be talked back to or need advice. Often times, giving them a shoulder to cry on, a safe space to lay their thoughts out in the open will be more helpful.
???
Back in my hotel room, I stare at my phone as though I’m waiting for something, but I’m not.
A text from my friends maybe, but that’s unlikely because it’s almost midnight and they probably went to bed already to be well rested for our game.
Maybe a text from Sun, giving me another update on the home situation. She’s been back in New York for college for a while now, so she no longer hangs around the house in Malibu to know that much. But she calls our mother every evening, which means she should knowsomething.
When’s a great time to call my dad to apologize? Apologize for what, I’m not quite sure but I better figure it out. I won’t apologize for havingtalkedto a guy. I didn’t give my father a single reason to believe I was seeing Luan in any other way but as friends. And even if I had, I’m not sorry.
Luan breathed a little life into my lungs, even if it was only for a few minutes, even if I didn’t let him see he did that.
