Page 79 of The Long Way Home
The stone is rough under my skin, unyielding, nothing like the warmth of the boy who used to chase me through the yard, who used to make faces at me across the dinner table until Mom yelled. My throat burns, and I swallow hard, but the lump doesn’t budge. I position my body so I can press my forehead against the cold granite, closing my eyes as if I could fold myself into the letters, crawl into the hollow they leave behind. I just want to be comforted by him one last time.
“Fair warning,” I mutter, pulling my forehead from the stone. “I’m drunk. And very, very self-deprecating tonight.” A weak laugh huffs out of me.
The burn builds in my chest, climbing higher until I feel it in my nose, in my eyes. I swipe the back of my hand over my face, but the wetness stays.
“I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, Josh.” My voice cracks. With my back to the stone, I curl forward and press my forehead against my knees. “I don’t know who I am.”
I press harder against the stone. It is the discomfort I deserve. I should have been the sibling who died. He should be the one still here.
“Sometimes I tell myself I’m lucky,” I whisper. “That I should be grateful I’m the sibling on this side of the ground. What I have here is enough, because at least I’m alive. But he never shows up when it counts, Josh.” My sleeve drags roughly across my face as I swipe at the tears on my cheek. “You’d hate him. You’d takeone look at him and tell me to run. And I’d probably ignore you anyway, because apparently I’m an idiot.”
The breeze shifts, brushing across my face. It carries the smell of damp earth and the faint rustle of trees. I pull my jacket tighter around me as I cling to my knees.
“A lot has happened since I last visited. Uh, for starters, Margo got married,” I say. “Did you know that? Yeah, of course you know. It’s weird for me. I mean, it’s wonderful, what she found, but I wish there had never been a reason she had to find it.”
I suck in a breath between my teeth. “You’d like Anderson. He is so in love with her, Josh. He treats her the way you would have, if you’d gotten the chance to do it longer. He’s the kind of guy who sees her for who she is. She doesn’t have to fight for his love. She just gets to be loved.”
I pick at a loose thread on my sleeve until it snaps.
“I saw Rhett,” I mutter. “Or, uh—whatever. I keep seeing him. He’s back in town. He says for good, though I’m not so sure. Did you know that, too?”
The damp grass clings to my jeans while the cold breeze slips under my jacket until I shiver. I pull my legs in tighter, trying to hold the warmth that isn’t there.
“He looks the same… maybe a little older. But still very Rhett-like. Still, the guy who used to sneak you beers and give me rides when you couldn’t move off the couch.”
A bitter laugh slips out.
“You’d be furious if you knew how I think about Rhett. I guess how I’ve always thought about him.” The words scrape out raw, unbuffered. “But don’t worry, it makes me furious too.”
“He talks about you,” I whisper. “All the time. Like you’re still in the room. When I hear him say your name, it makes me feel like you might come back, Josh. It’s like I’m somehow closer to you. And it’s so nice, Josh. He’s the only person I can talk aboutyou with and not feel like I have to manufacture something they want to hear.”
My fingers won’t stay still. I rub them against the side seam of my jeans, hoping that will satisfy them.
“I’m more confused than ever with that man. The words he says to me… I—I don’t know if it’s just me being the stupid little sister with the big crush or if there is any part of him that finally feels for me the way I feel for him.” I take a deep breath. “And then, right when I let myself give in to the intoxicating delusion, I think maybe we just miss the version of us that existed when you were alive.”
I continue rubbing my fingers against my jeans. “I don’t know if it’s real, Josh. I don’t know if I’m making it up in my head, or if he’s just… honoring you. Like some twisted promise to look after your little sister because you can’t anymore. ”
The thought twists sharply in my chest. “But when he looks at me,” I whisper, “every nerve in my body lights up. It’s never been like that with anyone else, Josh. He’s never touched me, never even said anything that should make me feel this way, but still, it happens. All those stupid feelings I had for him come rushing back. I’ve tried to forget him. I’ve gone out with other men, searching for that same feeling, but I can’t find it. No one makes me feel the way he does just by looking at me.”
I put my hand on the stone, pressing my fingers into the grooves of his name until it almost hurts.
“I just wish you were here to tell me I’m not screwing everything up. I can’t trust myself to make the right decision, to see things clearly.” A tear rolls down my cheek. This time, I don’t wipe it away. I let it slide down my jaw and land on my knee.
“I went out with Margo tonight.” My voice hitches. My hands scrub at my eyes. “She left early. Said she wanted to go be with Anderson. And she didn’t even try to hide it. She wanted to be with the guy who loves her.”
I pause, trying to take another deep breath to slow my thoughts. Although I can’t seem to breathe right.
“I want that. I want someone who shows up when you ask. Someone you don’t have to beg. How come I’m never good enough for that, Joshy?” The tears begin to roll steadily down my cheeks. My chest hurts with them.
I dig around in my purse until I find the bottle. My fingers, numb from the cold and barely functional, but I manage. I twist the cap off and take a burning swallow, then tip a little into the grass.
“For you,” I mutter. “I know. I know. It’s the cheap shit. You’d give me so much crap for that. But my options were very limited.”
I set the bottle down and lean forward again, pressing my forehead to my knees, letting the weight of it all finally settle.
I know the grave won’t answer me, but it’s the only place left that still feels like he might.
“I miss you, Josh.” My throat closes up around the words. “I don’t know who I am without your help. I’d kill for your advice right now. Hell, even just one of your dumb jokes. I’d even take a sign of what I’m supposed to do next. Do they let you give signs up there? I promise I’ll listen.”
