Page 116 of Puck Fest
I don’t answer.
He’s quiet for a minute. “You miss it?”
“Every day.”
“Good. That means you’re not taking it for granted. I’ve been coaching for thirty years. You know what I’ve learned? The players who miss it when they can’t play…those are the ones who appreciate it when they can.”
“I appreciate it. I just fucked up and lost it.”
“You didn’t lose it. You’re suspended. There’s a difference. Eight more games and you’re back.”
“If the team still wants me. If my teammates don’t hate me.”
“Some of them are mad. Some of them aren’t. That’s sports. You’ll deal with it.” He glances at me. “But that’s not what’s keeping you up at night, is it?”
I shake my head.
“I heard what happened at Play It Forward,” Coach says. “Between you and Noah.”
My chest tightens. “I didn’t mean for that to happen.”
“I know. But it did. He came home after, but wouldn’t talk much about it. I could see on his face how hurt he was.”
“Yeah, well, he hurt me first,” I grumble.
“I know he did. He hurt himself too.” Coach turns to face me. “Look, I’m not here to take sides. You’re both adults. You both made mistakes. But I’m going to tell you something because I think you need to hear it.”
I look at him and wait.
“When Noah told me about you two, I was angry and disappointed. I felt betrayed that he didn’t trust me enough to tell me before the whole world found out.” He pauses. “But I was also scared, scared that he’d thrown away his career for something that wouldn’t last, scared that he’d get hurt, and most of all scared that I’d lose my son to a mess I couldn’t fix.”
“Did you tell him to end it?”
“No. I told him to figure out what he could live with. Whether the relationship could survive what was coming.” He looks at me. “He chose to end it. That was his decision. Not mine.”
“But you pressured him?—”
“I told him the truth about the consequences. The league investigation. The questions I’d face. The damage to his career and yours. That’s not pressure. That’s reality.” Coach’s voice is firm. “But I never told him to end it. I never said I’d resign if he didn’t. That was all him, trying to protect everyone like he always does.”
“He gave up,” I finally say.
“Yeah. He did.” Coach nods. “And I think he knows that now. It took him a while, but he’s getting there.”
“I'm gonna reach out to him.”
Coach looks at me. Really looks at me.“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
Coach is quiet for a long minute. Then he leans his forearms on the boards next to mine, looks out at the ice instead of at me.
“He's hurting too,” he says. “In case that helps.”
“It does.”
“He thinks he protected everyone. He didn't. He just made everyone hurt by themselves instead of together. He'll figure that out, but it might take him a minute.”
“I'm not waiting for him to figure it out. I'm gonna find him tomorrow.”
