Page 33 of Wild Heart
It was a simple but forceful way to keep him with me, and when my brain got too loud or my chest numbed, I added a little more.
Today… I was smothered in it.
Fuck you, Luis Cabrera.
“Did you work this morning?”
I nodded, grim.
Hannah made an ugly sound and stabbed at the salad she was eating like she was trying to draw blood. “I don’t like your father.”
I choked on a laugh. “You’ve never met him.”
“I don’t have to meet him to know he’s making you miserable. You aren’t cut out to be an accountant, Marcos.”
“I’m not an accountant. I answer phones.”
“Even worse.” She shoved a heap of lettuce in her mouth, cheeks bulging as she chewed. “You should quit.”
I should… but I couldn’t.
Guilt was a nasty fucking game, and no one played it better than Luis.
I hated my father, but I loved him just a little bit more. Enough to nearly vomit each time he spoke of The Wolf and all the limbs he might lose if he ever made a late payment.
It was his repentance, but my soul was the one being sacrificed.
“It’s not that simple,” I told her, and I saw the way her lips rolled inward as if she was biting back her retort in favor of acceptance.
“Family doesn’t abandon family,” I muttered, and my mouth filled with a bitterness thick enough to choke on.
Her nose twitched like she could smell my bullshit.
“You should tell him that next time he misses a recital. Make a card with a big ole’ fuck you across the front.”
I barked a laugh.
Her lips curved before she wrapped them around her fork, chewing her food with a look in her eye that felt too damn heavy for a sixty-minute lunch break.
“I get it,” she said, clearing her throat. “It’s hard when love depends on change.”
Luis would never change, but I feared I wouldn’t either—that I’d be stuck on that fucking stool forever, paying off the debts of a man who still called me Manny.
“I’m fine, Han. Honestly. I hate my job, but I love my hobby. That’s, like, every working adult in America.”
“The whole world sucks,” she quoted, pointing her fork at me. “But at least you fucking shimmer.”
My smile was soft.
It was difficult not to be affected by the little mantra I’d spoken into existence years ago. Back then, my glitter was more armor than a mask, and I thought if I covered up enough ugly, life’s beauty would be forced to touch me.
And it did… eventually.
I’d found a little charm through Hannah’s friendship, and then again through Kate’s. The two of them were my cushion, and though they didn’t know it, a bandaid for my loneliness.
When Toby showed up, looking as lost as I felt, I gravitated right toward him. For a while, the two of us shared an unsteady combination of sadness and just grateful to be here.
I missed him.A lot.
