Page 75 of Lau Ahi
“Not yet, but it’s as good as done.”
“As good as done is not done. There’s still time.” She turned her horse fluidly; their silent communication honed by years of mutual respect.
“For what? Allow your father to fall on his face? Break his promises? If you were the type of daughter to do that, youwould’ve done so already. It’s not in you. Your joy derives from making him happy.” I cantered behind her slowly, not wanting to spook her or her horse but also letting her know I wasn’t going away easily.
She glared at me over her shoulder not bothering to halt the progression she was making down the riding path. “Stop speaking on my father as if you know him or me.”
“I know that he loves you. Deeply.”
That confession gave her pause and showed that he was her soft spot. A tell that she wouldn’t appreciate me having but I had it. I wouldn’t use it because there was no need. Manipulation wasn’t a tactic that was necessary for us to have a successful union. The attempts to do so would be a direct insult to her intelligence and since I valued her mind I wasn’t about to downplay it.
“An educated guess.”
“But an accurate one. And besides, he confessed as much the first time I spoke to him about you. Tell me why must you play this gameKa’iulani?”
“Stop calling me that. What does that even mean?”
Since it had slipped out I wasn’t about to confess its true meaning and have that wall between us go back up again. Instead, I encouraged my horse to speed up slightly so that we were now traveling side by side with her. She didn’t flinch just glared at me with eyes filled with annoyance and continued down the trail. Spring was in bloom and the apple trees that lined the farm, used to feed to the horses as treats, were covered in blossoms.
“Must you be so irritated all the time?”
“Yes. I must. I’m not irritated. I’m disgusted.” Her tone had changed, the weight of whatever brought her out here shining through.
“Disgusted?”
“With everything that you’ve seen in this world are you not sickened by it? The things that you’ve seen that most wouldn’t believe even if you tried to tell them. Does it not frustrate you? With the veneer of polite society moving on and the underbelly continuing to wreak havoc on everyone and everything? Does it not make you want to scream?”
“Are you suicidal?”
Her shoulders stayed relaxed but her eyes rolled and I was intrigued at her lack of offense about the question. “I didn’t say that. But does this place not sicken you?”
Her words provided me with a moment of introspection. Few people asked about the mental health of the professionals who went through the bullshit that I did. Given her profession, I wondered if the same was true for her. There had been no new leads in the case. With her going through the most recent cases, nothing matched the characteristics of the murder we were working on. Profiles had been compiled and leads chased but we had found nothing concrete. Which was frustrating all of us.
“If I focused on the bad then yes.”
“Let me guess. You’re some zen man who can compartmentalize his way through life.” She smiled through the lighthearted jab waiting for me to answer her.
I held the reins loosely in my hand allowing myself to relax as the horses continued to leisurely stroll down the path. The day was warm but the breeze reminded you it was spring and not to get too comfortable with the temperature. DC would absolutely flip the script and turn cold again.
“I didn’t say that. I’m a man who knows there are terrible things in this world. And instead of allowing it to only make me mad I choose to do something about it. To try to make the world better.”
“Is that why you were a pawn of the government? To make it better?” An insult. A feeble attempt to keep space between usthat she pivoted to whenever we drew closer. I understood her feelings since I was in the same position, battling how I wanted things to go.
“Hell no. They’re the main perpetrators of this bullshit.” I knew my answer surprised her but she should’ve known that would be my response. Nothing about me screamed conformity but I wondered if she believed at my core that I was okay with the bullshit that happened in the government. I thought she knew better but now I had to clear up any confusion.
“And yet you were their agent.”
I chuckled thinking of all the ways I’d messed up plans while on missions or done my best to save lives. More people had died by unknown friendly fire when I was around when they attempted to commit war crimes.
“Of chaos. Of reckoning. But there are always things that we’ve done that were necessary. It might not have been pretty.”
“On that we can both agree, Agent Nakoa.”
“My dick has been inside of you, Asha. We’re about to get married so I think it’s not too much of a stretch to call me by my first name. It’s only three letters, you can’t really mess it up.”
I knew why she did it. I was getting too close. I was making her feel or think or something and she hated it. I wasn’t sure what the hell it was I was doing with her but I didn’t have a way to stop it. She’d gotten under my skin months ago and now here we were, living and working together as though it was the natural order of how life was supposed to be. I was still kicking myself for the housewarming gift I’d gotten her. I’d wanted it to be a casual surprise that she discovered on her own. That way she could see that I’d done something nice but be too proud to ask me about it. I’d been banking on it. Instead of her finding it, I’d hidden it feeling too exposed and pissed with myself for being too weak to show her I’d thought of her.
I’d followed her out here to check on her. The idea of caring about her was something that made my stomach ache. Caring meant vulnerability. It meant having a weakness that could be exploited by your enemies. The idea of having someone who was my responsibility was stressful but that’s what having a wife meant. Even if it was in name only, someone coming after her in any way was reason enough for me to put them in the dirt.
