Page 60 of Lau Ahi
I wasn’t sure what she was speaking on because this was the first time we’d discussed our father. “That what?”
“That revelation. The reason you’re getting married. You say it with such disdain but then you make light of it. I don’t know if it’s for my benefit or yours or his but it’s confusing.”
“Why would I want you to be angry or upset about a situation that neither of us could change?”
“Because on the principle—”
And this was a problem with a twin who lived what could be considered a charmed life. The idealism was still alive and well.
“What have principles ever gotten anyone in this world? This rock is run entirely off of the corruption and greed of the few to the detriment of many. If you’re not one of the few then you’rejust waiting for your turn to be ground under someone’s boot heel.”
“And here I thought that marriage would make you somehow… softer.” The genuine disappointment in her voice broke my heart. Hearing that she wanted Ori to change me bothered me more than I could say.
“What would give you that notion? That a man would mellow me out? I’m quite insulted.”
“May I speak plainly?”
As if my refusal would stop her. “Of course you can it’s me, you fool.”
“I thought that maybe you were in need of an intense sexual release all these years and that maybe when you found someone that could deliver on it that the misandrist in you would die a slow death.”
“You think that one man has the power to turn me away from hating all men? By using his dick? Are you insane? It’s not all men but it’s always a man. Wars, started by men. Even when they tried to blame things on Helen of Troy no one told her husband to launch a thousand ships to go after her. And truly, was he saving her or simply saving face for having lost his wife to someone else?”
“Christ, Asha, we are not about to get into a philosophical debate on Greek mythology. I absolutely refuse to do this with you today. My brain cannot handle it.” I knew she was rubbing her eyes the way she did when I was doing too much.
“Then stop making me think. Don’t ask me questions that test the bounds of my sanity and my intellect. You thought that good dick, a pretty face and a towering form were going to make me change my hard-fought and well-researched view of men and their ability to destroy everything they touch? Frankly, I’m not you and you aren’t the you that you pretend to be. You might not sit here and actively think that men are the worst sex on earthbut there’s a part of you that thinks it’s true. I’ve heard plenty of stories about what goes on in the industry and I’ve witnessed your sorrows over those same issues. I know that most of the heartaches that you’ve faced in this life were at the hands of men or male-centered women and their ideals. I’m willing to stop babbling whenever I’m wrong, by the way.”
She grunted because she knew I was right. “Shut up, you know you’re right.”
“Thank you for admitting that. So you see why it’s kinda ridiculous for you to be hoping for some mythical prince who's going to sweep you off your feet and take you to a kingdom where you’ll be worshipped is fanciful. That’s what childhood dreams are made of and I’m sorry that this world has crushed those childhood dreams. Trust me, I wish that the idealism we are born with lasted longer than a few short years but it’s not the reality because of men and their unyielding desire to appease their egos. To be grounded in reality is to live a life of fulfillment without constantly wishing for something that was never meant for all of us. They sell fairytales to little girls. To get us hooked on the idea of love. It’s like the first hit of an addict at a young age and it rewires your brain. You start to look for that high in everything and in everyone without being logical about what to look for. And then by the time puberty hits you’re a full-blown addict. They sell the idea of being a princess to little girls but never the ideals of being Prince Charming to little boys. Boys are being taught to dominate and to rule and to dictate. We’re sold the fairytale and they’re handed the power. Until something in this world changes, nothing is ever going to be different.”
“So tell me again why you’re getting married?” Sasha’s voice was softer and I knew I’d upset her but I couldn’t take it back because I wasn’t wrong.
“Because I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if I could’ve been able to help an entire country of people and didn’tall because I didn’t want to marry a man. I’m not that bloody selfish.”
She sighed and I wasn’t sure if it was because she was confused or angry with me. “Is it that simple?”
“Yes. What else could it be?”
“You said that he was tall, handsome and well-endowed, if how your voice hitches slightly when you speak of him counts for anything. Just how large is he?”
“Asmarina, there are very few things in this world that will ever anger me toward you. But even thinking about the phallus of my husband is amongst those few.” It took everything in me not to cuss my twin out for her even asking me about Ori.
“Hmmm, so I’m right. It is big isn’t it?”
“I’m going to go now. I guess it was a mistake to call you for peace of mind. You’ve decided to get on my nerves.”
“I have to say you were truly born under a lucky star. Only you could find a tall, handsome, intelligent, rich, well-connected man with an enormous dick who’s willing to move into your home so that you’re comfortable with this transition. And to think the misandrist might have found her Prince Charming after all.”
I couldn’t help but pause at the way her words struck. They were sharp like an arrow. Piercing a wall that I didn’t need breached. I wasn’t going to confess that I was okay with Ori because he was… tolerable. Were I a different woman I would probably swoon whenever he walked into a room. He was darkness and light. Good and bad. A blend of a bad boy with a heart of gold that most women prayed for. I knew without a doubt that if necessary he would end someone’s life and probably had many times before. But he would always have a good reason. On that we were evenly yoked. But that confession would lead Sasha to hope that something more would come ofthis union with Ori. Some joy that I might end up better than she could ever imagine. And I couldn’t break her heart that way.
Instead, I shifted the focus back to her and off myself. I was always good at deflecting so there was no need not to now.
“Well, if any of that’s true, I guess there’s still hope for you yet. Only aim for a moral king instead of a charming prince. Charm is fleeting.”
She laughed and I prayed my words lessens her anger with me. “I’ll put that in my book of dreams tonight.”
Sasha and I didn’t stay on the phone for much longer after that and I was doing my best to stay out of the way. His footsteps around the house were heavy. Advertising where he was going and what he was doing with no regard to how I felt. I was angry. Angry at knowing he wasn’t going to go away gently or ever for that matter. That all of this was permanent and instead of being my normally combative self I’d swallowed this future down without complaint.
