Page 205 of Lau Ahi
“To you too.” He leaned back, and with glasses on he still had the dampness of tears on his face. The golden pallor of his skin was duller than it had been weeks ago while we’d been celebrating his victory. Stolen by the weight of grief.
“If you need anything… I know Ori had his brothers but please call me if you need anything. We’re family and we’ll do anything for family.”
“I appreciate that very much.”
He embraced me the same way he had Pappy before turning to walk toward the coffin. I almost couldn’t watch him because the way his shoulders slumped the closer he got meant that he was breaking down. Silently he put his hand on the top of the polished lacquered wood that was etched with the samenihomanothat graced Ori’s arms. The black of the coffin alternated with the natural wood beneath. I didn’t know how they got the panels engraved in time and wondered if my husband had just had it somewhere waiting for his inevitable death. Grant stood silently by the coffin looking at it in disbelief. For a few minutes, the only thing you could hear was sniffles breaking the silence.
“Mamakakaua o ku’u ‘aina!” (Band of warriors of my land!”)
Grant’s voice rang out clear and strong despite the emotion that was obviously ripping through him. He’d turned to face the area the pallbearers, all members of theConsortium, stood near the coffin.
Ku ha’aheo, e ku’u koa(Stand tall/ proud my warrior)
I was now in tears seeing each of Ori’s brothers, Jemma, the elders, Pappy and Faith all cry out back to Grant.
I was immediately moved by the same emotions that would be invoked when I heard songs from Eritrea or gospel hymns flowed through me like the ancestors were flowing through their words and touching my spirit. It sounded like the Maorihakabut on the yacht Ori discussed the Hawaiian version called theha’a koaor the warrior dance. It was the same emotion invoked from the wedding and I felt like the call was for our ancestors to welcome Ori on the other side and give us comfort in his absence.
His five siblings were now crouched with bent knees surrounding Ori’s coffin, as if they were to protect him, guide him to the other side so his transition was smooth.
Grant spoke out a line and they answered back each verse, ushering in fresh tears as raw emotions ripped through them all. These men and woman who some would say were hardened and heartless were being strong through their grief and honoring their brother.
And I broke down.
I bent over and Sasha and Nevaeh’s arms were around me trying to hold me up. I felt a hand on my back and I knew it was my father. My family wanted to surround me with their strength but there was no way I was ever going to feel strong again.
“Kane! E ‘olu’olu! (Husband! Please!). You promised, Ori!” I jumped up and tried to shake off the arms holding me but I couldn’t.
“Asha—”
Even in my pain I knew it was my sister but I wanted her to be anywhere but here right now.
I tried to take a step and she wanted to hold me back but Yacouba walked forward and took me from Sasha. I knew she didn’t want to let me go but he wasn’t going to take no for an answer. Their battle, a symbol of my past life and present, played out over my head until my sister silently relented. Yacouba stood ramrod straight as he took my arm and led me toward Ori’s casket. Their sizing being so similar was heartbreaking, as I knew I would never feel this again. Priest came to join us taking my other hand and Xerxes and Liam took up their places behind me. Jemma Marie was in front of the casket and held out her hand, which I took. The men stepped back forming a wall so I could say my goodbyes with a semblance of privacy. I knew Sasha would feel left out but this was a moment I could only share with the other people who loved him best.
With Jem’s arm at my back, I walked over and touched the smooth wood of the coffin. The large spray that covered the top mirrored the ones that were used to decorate our wedding. I leaned down and pressed my lips to the casket, wishing it was some part of him that I could touch for one last time.
“You promised you would always be here. That I would be safe with you. What am I supposed to do now? You made me love you and then you go away! You promised me, Ori. How could you leave me all alone?”
My voice had started as a whisper. A conversation between me and my heart as I prepared to bury it with his body. But within seconds I got angry at the idea of never seeing him again. Of his breaking his promise. I hit the top of the coffin as gasps erupted but no one stopped me. I sobbed doing my best to reach him, to be next to him but it was futile. I was shaking the locked top clawing at it but nothing worked. He was gone. By the time I tired myself out, all I could do was place my head down on the wood and cry. It was as cold against my skin as I knew he would’ve been if there was anything left of him in this box. My knees buckled but I didn’t fall. My body was held up by hands I knew belonged to his brothers. Jemma Marie was back to rubbing my back and I heard someone before I felt my sister wrap her arms around me.
“It’s okay. We’ve got you.”
And I knew it was going to be something that both the people of my past and those in my future would have to work together to get me through. If I could even survive it.
I didn’t want to turn around. I felt like doing so would be abandoning him when I promised we were gonna stick through all of this together. But I didn’t have a choice. The tears made me too weak to walk and when I wanted to crumble I felt myself being lifted.
I didn’t know how long I was carried but we were back at the family limo before I lifted my head. I glanced up realizing Vega was the one who’d taken me away from the burial. It was crowded with more people than I could name and I had to wonder if one of them did this to him. Sasha opened the door to the car not bothering to wait for the driver. I needed to leave because I couldn’t handle the weight of today. I wanted to be embarrassed for being so vulnerable but I wasn’t. I wanted everyone to know how much I loved Ori and always would.
“He would be so pissed right now for you picking me up.” I smiled up at him sadly trying to lighten the mood.
“He would. I just wish he was here to fuck me up for touching you.” Alec’s eyes were sad and filled with sympathy as he held the car door open for Sasha as he handed her into the back. I looked behind him seeing the mourners leaving the burial not staying to watch the final act of them lowering the coffin into the ground. Jemma Marie was back with her brothers and Yacouba was bent over with his full weight on Jasmine’s frame as she rubbed his back.
The tears started again and I brushed them away and smiled at Vega through the pain. I’d never have my person to provide me solace again and I knew I wasn’t well enough to be by myself right now.
“For once, so do I.”
I knew my sister wasn’t well-equipped enough to watch over me after those first few weeks. So I’d done the only thing that seemed smart and called Teegan for help. She had apparently been waiting for my call because she was at my door within six hours. She’d brought in a grief counselor she knew from Vegas, a Black woman who specialized in relationships and she helped me process the pain I didn’t really want to feel. After two months, I felt steady enough to resume what was supposed to bemy life without constant monitoring. I felt stronger only instead of being peaceful my heart was filled with the desire for revenge.
I opened the heavy outer box concerned with what I was going to see once I opened it. The last time I’d received a box from an unknown sender it had thrown me back into the throes of depression. The military had sent over a display for Ori’s medals and his dress uniform. I was unsure of where they’d gotten his items but I could only assume they’d been in his office. I hadn’t been able to clear the space out but Alec did it for me. I was sure he’d had that done as well.
