Page 200 of Lau Ahi
“So instead you carry it yourself? You allow it to further change you from the person you were and then you shut yourself away from joy because of it? How is that fair for you?”
I got in his face unbothered by how he sat up and had no issue mirroring his intensity. “And this is why I think you’re doing everything you can to make me feel. You are so forceful in your desire to protect me and my sanity. Maybe selfishly, since we have promised to be together forever in this life. But how am I supposed to keep you at arm’s length when you’re doing everything right to make the walls that protect me come crumbling down? To get into a heart that I thought no longer existed?”
“You think it’s not the same way with me? I gave you the nameKa’iulanifor a reason. It is the highest point of heaven, the most exalted one, the best. That is what you are to me, Semira. There is no question about you getting into any part of me, you’re already there. You snuck in probably the first night that I met you. The way you challenged me. The way your soul moved mine and called out its claim on me from across that room. I was done for the first night. Even as I sit here with you my only thought is how I can be better for you. There’s an overwhelming joy in my heart knowing that you are my wife. Knowing that you bear my name. That you trust me. That you’ve given me your truth and your pain, knowing that I will carry it and protect you from anyone who tries to use them against you. I can’t even say I’ve been fighting whatever this is but I’ve damn sure been lying to myself for months. Everyone has called me out on it but Ididn’t want to admit what they saw. I’m tired of that though, Kai. So tired. I’ve been ignoring emotions my entire life and I don’t want to move that way with you. That’s not the life either of us deserves. I can’t say there’s ever been a moment that I thought love was something I would ever want. But the possibility, faint as it might be, that I might have it with you is something I can’t live without. The hope of it is more than enough to sustain me for the rest of our lives.”
“I thought this was just an arrangement.” I had tears in my eyes at his declaration. He’d let them flow so easily but right now he was pleading with me to meet him where he was. And I was going to.
“It was. But we both knew it was a lie despite how mutually beneficial it was at the time for both of us. But that doesn’t mean that terms and conditions can’t change.”
“Why in the world would you want me, Ori?” The one question I had to ask because I knew that there were parts of me that were ugly, open wounds that might never heal. What if I always wanted to go around killing people? Could he really handle that for the next however many years?
His hand snaked around my neck before threading his fingers through my hair so I was forced to look at his eyes. They were shining brightly and not just because of the sunlight making them glow as he stared at me. “Because I waited this long to find you in this lifetime. I can be me, as I am right now and you wouldn’t judge me. And yet I can still hope that I can turn back into the person I used to be and know that you’ll be right there waiting for me with a smile on your face.”
“You’re talking as though you and I are going to grow together.”
“Why wouldn’t we? Isn’t that what marriage is about? Growth in all things is beautiful.”
I scoffed but it held no derision. “Not in our world. Marriage… it’s about allegiance.”
“Seeing as how we’ve promised each other forever we might as well try to get this shit right together. However that may look for us.”
“You’re saying all the right things.”
A squeeze on my thighs as a warning brought a smile to my face. “And I mean them. What’s the one thing I promised I would never do, Ka’iulani?”
“Lie to me.”
“Then trust me when I speak.”
“It’s hard to do that. My family doesn’t really inspire trust. Look at the issue with my brother. He might even know that I killed the earl. They were friends.”
His hips rose keeping maximum contact as he kissed down the side of my neck. “Strike one for him, by the way.”
His teeth grazed my jugular so erotically I gasped loudly. “Ori he didn’t know—“
“He knew. Men always know and I’m sorry but your brother puts on a good front for many people but I’m not one of them. He cares too much about fitting in. About how those in his peer group perceive him. You and Sasha never gave a damn because you knew that the world was going to treat you like a third-class citizen. I know the men I hang out with. I know their character and what lines they will cross. He knew and he was still friends with him.”
“I don’t think he thought he would take it so far.”
“But he didn’t protect you. That’s strike two. Your thinking he might blackmail you is strike three.”
I leaned back barely able to ignore how aroused I was as his fingers tweaked my nipples until they were at their hardest. “Are you saying you’re going to kill my brother?”
“If I need to I will. How does that make you feel?” Ori’s lips were stroking the skin of my clavicle as his fingers loosened the strings on my bikini at my back. I was exposed but the thrill of potentially being seen was erotic.
“I don’t know. It’s not like I have a lot to say against murdering people. Part of me hopes there will be a chance at redemption. Like he won’t be so bad or he’ll realize that our mother isn’t the person he needs to depend on.”
He stopped stroking the skin on my back that was now free from obstruction since he’d removed the strings. I knew he was pissed when he stopped and I was worried what he was going to say. “The damage is done,Ka’iulani.”
“What do you mean?”
He was frustrated with having to explain himself to anyone but he was going to do it for me. “I mean he can’t go back and undo any of the harm his inaction caused you. He can’t undo his shitting on you for your mother. Even if he did nothing wrong from this day forward I’d never trust him enough to have him in our home.”
My jaw dropped with how easily he was speaking about barring my brother from our house. “Ori—”
His hand now gripped the front of my neck the pressure he applied. “What is the one thing I promised you?”
This question was becoming a mantra for our relationship, which felt redundant. Although I’m sure he was tiring of having to ask me the same question repeatedly. But never once did he show it.
