Page 153 of Lau Ahi
The idea of that was humorous but I wouldn’t dare laugh at her. “Why would it be?”
“Because despite the way this situation came about, I don’t believe I’m okay with you having a second wife or raising someone else’s child.” Her hands were clasped in front of her with an air of unflappability refusing to give me any more of her emotions.
“You would take out your anger on an innocent baby?” Another dig. One meant to get her angry enough to be honest at how much things had changed with us. I might not have wanted to show my cards to my friends but I wanted her to at least be honest with me.
“Of course not. I’ve lived that pain; I wouldn’t inflict it on anyone else.”
“So then what are you saying?”
She balled her fists trying to get herself under control but I knew she couldn’t. “I’m saying that I’m not okay with having some other woman be used for labor to further your goals all because she’s beholden to a capitalist system. You literally want to rent a woman’s womb all on the off chance that mine doesn’t work. That doesn’t seem messed up to you?”
“Not if she’s willing.”
“Okay, fair. And then what? You pry a baby that she carried in her body out of her arms? How is that fair to either of them? It’s not. She might have feelings and emotions attached to that baby and it wouldn’t be fair to deprive her of her child.”
“You aren’t asking the right questions.”
She threw her hands up in frustration but continued to play along. “What is the right question?”
“The pertinent question is do I even want to have kids?” My response hung in the air and I could admit that I wasn’t sold on the idea of kids or no kids. I’d never seen myself as a husband so I was taking one new revelation of life at a time.
“So you’re really trying to tell me you don’t.” She didn’t believe me. Still felt as though I were going to be everything she feared given enough time.
“Why must it always be so combative when we speak?” Her head dipped and her fingers stroked the skin of her forehead like she were trying to ward off a headache.
“That question, coming from you? And you don’t see the irony?”
“I must really love my family and my country.” She muttered under breath but it wasn’t low enough for me not to catch it.
“Do I need to know why you’re saying that?”
She rolled her eyes but then smiled sweetly. It was fake as hell. “You already know the reason. I must really have a large martyr’s bone in body if I’m willing to endure the madness that is a marriage to you.”
“I’m madness now?”
“You’remaddeningthat’s for sure. And that’s putting it mildly.” She emphasized her words not backing down from proving to me I was on her nerves.
“Was that mild or was that a little harsh?”
She glared at me silently and I was sure this conversation was going to take us back the few steps that we’d gained but it felt necessary for us to be something more than two people trying so hard to be together but apart.
“I wonder if you make everyone else that you encounter as exasperated as you make me?”
I scoffed because she’d never seen me in rare form. “I’m pretty sure I do. Am I supposed to care?”
“No. Of course not. God forbid you have an inkling of good manners or being well-bred. That would be crazy.”
I bristled at the way she spoke about me something that always rubbed me wrong because of how my parents’ relationship was. “I’m not a gotdamn horse or show pony.”
She looked down her nose at me wanting to say something hurtful but keeping her wits since we had to live together. “Indeed. So I won’t be thinking you have manners or any of the sort. Now we were discussing children. Do you want them?”
“I haven’t really given them much thought.” I shrugged without emotion, which only further pissed her off.
“That’s… that’s not what you just said!”
“No. I told you that you weren’t asking the right questions. I never gave the idea of fatherhood any thought because I never entertained the idea of getting married.”
Her hands went to grip her hair but she stopped herself from making such an obvious display of frustration. Asha took a deep breath to compose herself a task I was enjoying watching her do. Seeing her riled turned me back into an emotionally immatureteenager. I delighted in upsetting her carefully controlled composure.
