Page 2 of Undone
“Don’t take that tone with me. It just came out and as harsh as it was to say–it was the truth,” I tell her.
Taking accountability for the way I said it wasn’t an issue, but the truth of what I said still needed to be addressed. I could handle being labeled as cold or blunt, but I refused to be the silent suffering wife. Lina was my confidant, so she knew what I had been going through. She disagreed with my approach and on some level, I was prepared for her disappointment. Lina grew up heavily in the church like I did, but the difference between us was after being married for thirty years, she held the belief that a successful marriage required a woman to endure at times. I wasn’t going for that.
“Was it so wrong that I expressed my displeasure with the way things are going?” I ask.
“No,” Lina shakes her head, “but your approach could have been better. I hate when you make me think of a man’s feelings!”
“Don’t start,” I tell her.
“Too late. If you weren’t happy about how things are going lately, don’t you think your bulldozer approach would make it worse?”
“I mean, I didn’t think past saying the words,” I confess shamefully.
“See, this is what I mean. You can’t address things like that out of anger or frustration. You have to remember he’s your partner even when you feel like enemies,” Lina says softly.
“Well this time I messed up, but I have faith he will come through for us,” I nod confidently.
“Are you sure?” Lina asks with concern etched in her words.
My favorite thing about her was that she didn’t judge. My least favorite attribute of hers was my bestie being all about gentle words to address cruel truths, sometimes even beating around the bush. She was a gentle soul but her penchant for always being meek allowed people to run over her at times. Her biggest piece of advice when I got married was to always remember that a man’s ego was easily bruised, and men don’t recover like women do. Though true, in this instance I could care less.
“I have faith that Sammie will listen, but first he needs time to process things,” I shrug while taking a sip of my latte.
“I’ll be praying for you babe,” Lina smiled leaning forward, laying a reassuring hand on my knee.
“Are you going to pray for real or was that the prayer,” I side-eye her playfully.
“Now you know I stay on my knees for the Lord,” Lina boasts doing a praise dance in her seat.
“I’m just checking, you know how you church folks do,” I laugh at her antics drawing the attention of other café patrons. I look over at her seeing she stopped doing her little dance. “Also I hope you gettin’ on your knees for Jeremiah, too.”
“Now you're just being nasty,” she whines, tossing her napkin at me.
Once the laughter settles, we finish our meals then head back to work. My phone alarm sounds reminding me that Samuel isn’t going to be home tonight for dinner because of his plans with Dion. I had hoped we would maybe try to have sex again, but I figured that was a hope I’d save for another time…especially because he was still giving me the silent treatment. One of the vibrators in my nightstand and the sex tape we made a few years back would have to do for the night.
I sigh, plastering a fake smile across my lips as I walk into the accounting firm I have worked at for the past fifteen years–ready to be done with this day.
3
“Aye man, you alright?” Jimmy, my lead mechanic, asks while patting me on the shoulder. “You seem a bit off today.”
“Just didn’t get that much sleep,” I grumble, heading to my office to take a moment for myself. “Make sure that camshaft cover gets replaced on the Honda in bay two.”
Sleeping in Jayden’s bed last night was a mistake–it wasn’t nearly as comfortable as sleeping next to my wife. Waking up to her soft brown skin touching mine is always my favorite part of the morning and at forty-six she had aged like fine wine. I constantly felt myself wanting her, but finding out she thought I didn’t, and assumed I had stepped out on her, hurt me. Anger drove the decision for me to leave the bedroom, but I still couldn’t get Evie’s words out of my head.
Had I been ignoring her pleasure? Had I let grief and other areas of life take center stage before my wife?
Assessing my mortality because my oldest friend dying was a surprise to everyone. Financial issues at the shop had me wrestling with my manhood trying to reconcile that I wasn’t the provider I thought I was. Being a franchise owner was not at all as glamorous as I thought it would be. I made great money butwhen things went bad they went really bad. Granted, having my wife’s support made shit easier to deal with, but it was still hard. I guess internalizing things led to our suffering sex life.
How did I miss the signs that my wife wasn’t happy with our sex life?Before life got in the way, you could’ve never told me sex would be our problem. Worshiping her body used to be my favorite pastime, watching her climax was the best part. Had I been a little lax on turning on the romance lately?Yeah. Could I do a better job at foreplay?Definitely.
Jimmy’s knock jerks me out of my thoughts, “Hey boss, we need an extra set of hands to take out the engine in bay five.”
“On my way,” I tell him, sending a text confirming plans to get drinks with Dion after I shut down the shop for the night.
Jumping into action, the boys and I disassembled the engine and worked to rebuild its replacement. After several hours I was ready to call it quits and shut down the shop an hour early, opting to take a shower here instead of going home. I couldn’t see Evie until I got my mind right.
Arriving at the pool lounge I immediately spot Dion sitting at the bar sipping on a glass of beer. Mickey, Dion, and I had been friends since we were kids growing up in the same neighborhood and playing on the same sports teams together. As we got older and busier with our families and life, Mickey was the glue that held the three of us together making sure we always had someone to talk to about anything.
