Page 80 of The Duke's Promise to Her Child
A sharp breath went around the room. Charlotte sat with her fist curled in her lap.
“He is fortunate he is dead,” she said.
Helena smiled despite everything. “That is exactly what Gideon said.”
“I would expect nothing less of him,” Frances said.
“But if you know that Gideon is not like that,” Evelyn said, “then why did you leave?”
Helena shrugged. “Every time he raised his voice — even when it was justified — I was reminded of Huxley. It was as though my body was still trapped in that old life, even when my mind knew perfectly well where I was.”
“I have heard physicians call this soldier’s heart or nostalgia in soldiers,” Evelyn said. “My lady’s group has been working alongside soldiers returned from the war. Many of them suffer from something very like it. Something as simple as a door banging can make them feel as though they are still on the battlefield.”
“But I am not a soldier. And my marriage was no battlefield.”
“It sounds as though it was,” Marianne said quietly.
“Marriage is always a battlefield,” Evelyn said, “but there is not usually violence involved. At least if one is lucky.”
“Why did you not tell Gideon any of this?” Clara asked.
“I wanted to, sometimes. But I could never bring myself to. And I think — I think he already knew something. You told him the marriage was difficult,” she said to Clara.
“I indicated that Huxley was not a good husband. Yes.”
So that was how he had known.
“I told him the marriage was unhappy. But I never told him how far it went. I never told him that Huxley struck me. I did not want to revisit any of it. I thought I could keep the past separate from the present. And I agreed to the marriage on the understanding that it would be a practical arrangement — that I would never have to worry about such things. But then Gideon made it clear that he wanted something more, and I?—”
The room was quiet.
After a moment Charlotte looked up. “And you? Do you love him?”
Helena took a long breath. “Yes. Despite my better judgment, I do.” She looked at her hands. “But I hurt him very badly the last time we spoke. He will not wish to see me again. And even if he did — I do not know that I can be any different. Perhaps I am doing him a favor by staying away.”
“Perhaps,” Evelyn said, “you are making it easy on yourself. By telling yourself he no longer wants you, you have an excuse not to try. But what if he does?”
“What if I can never change? What if I can never stop feeling this way?”
“If you do not try, you will never know,” Marianne said, and looked at her with kind eyes.
“She is right,” Charlotte agreed.
“My advice,” Frances said, “is to take a few days. See how you feel. James has gone up to see Gideon now, so there will be word soon enough. Take this time to think about what you truly want. And then follow your heart.”
Helena sighed. This was simple enough o say. But did she really want an annulment? A divorce? She knew in her heart that she did not. She knew what she had told them was true. She loved Gideon — had been battling herself over it for so many weeks that she had almost forgotten what it felt like not to.
Perhaps it was best that she took this time and thought clearly. It would be good for both of them.
The only trouble was that if she decided she wanted to go back, she had no way of knowing whether he would still want her to.
CHAPTER 34
GIDEON
He sat on the rocking chair outside the front door, swinging slowly back and forth. He did not know how long he had been sitting there, but the tea standing beside him had gone cold, which was indicator enough that it had been some time.
A week and a half had passed since Helena had departed. The house felt quiet. Too quiet. He missed the sound of her footsteps. He missed her laugh. And he missed the way the servants had not looked at him as though he had done something wrong — because they all did now. Helena had won the hearts of every member of the household in the short time she had been here, and her departure was of course blamed on him. He had attempted, along with Heathcliff and Mrs. Storm, to put about a reasonable story — that she had urgently needed to return to London and would be back shortly. But there was chatter.
