"What do you mean you almost dated?"
"We went to this teen retreat once, and we held hands and stuff, but… no." He laughed, shaking his head. "Nothing came of that. I think we both just tried to forget it. I’m not sure. Either way, we're friends. We've known each other for years, and neither of us ever brings that up. She's an amazing dancer and choreographer." He paused. "What about you?" he continued, glancing my way.
"I was on the dance team for a year," I said with a little shrug. "I wasn't the best on the squad, but I can remember the steps to a routine."
James laughed a little. "I was asking if you were dating anyone," he said.
"Oh, really?"
"Yeah, you asked if I was dating Casey, and I was wondering if you… I know you were sort of talking to Ash Adams when we were on set."
"No, I'm not dating anyone. I'm just sort of focused on Luna and the restaurant right now." I glanced at him. "But it's funny you mention Ash. I ran into him at Tony's just now."
"When you were picking up this pizza?"
I nodded, chewing a bite and smiling.
"How's he doing?"
"Fine, I think. We only had a minute to catch up. He looked good… like a rockstar with his long hair."
"What happened with you guys?" he asked. "You looked like you were hitting it off. Was it like Casey and me where we pretended it didn't happen?"
"Sort of," I said with a shrug. "It was easy to stay away from him once I realized I should be doing that. I was just an extra out there, so there was no need for me to be around all that much."
"What happened?"
I was being vague and trying to avoid telling him the whole story, but he wasn't in a hurry, and I sat back on the bench, remembering how it went down. I sighed and put my pizza onto the napkin, holding it in my lap. "I feel like I humiliated myself in front of him, honestly, and he has no idea. He thinks I ghosted him. I'm thankful my perspective shifted, though. It was the wakeup call I needed with my daughter. It's fine that I feel embarrassed when I see Ash—he doesn't have any idea what happened on my end."
"I still don't get it."
He seemed genuinely curious, and I smiled and hesitated.
"I have nothing else to do," he pressed. "I'm just waiting for Seth. I rode up here with him, and they're going to be another hour." He adjusted, making himself more comfortable on the bench, and I gathered my thoughts.
"I was forward with Ash when we were on set. I liked him the second I saw him. Those blue eyes, gosh."
"I know, he's cool," James agreed.
"Yeah, and I was getting back to feeling good after this tragedy I had been through. I was feeling too good, though. I was trying to be all about him when I had a daughter who needed me. I had just gotten Luna back, and I was so all over him that I downplayed her existence."
"You said you got Luna back. Where was she? Are you talking about the tragedy? Do you talk about it?" he asked.
"Yes, sort of. It was indirectly why she was away. Yeah, I don't talk about it all the time or anything, but people know about what happened to me. I'm open with it. I was with a guy, Luna's dad. We lived together for years, but we weren't married. We told people we were. He wanted his parents to help me open the restaurant, and they wouldn't have if we weren't married. Anyway, we told my family that, too. They found out later, after he… " I paused and glanced at James. "Luna's dad, he, killed himself."
"I'm sorry."
"On our daughter's fourth birthday, right after her party."
James let out a deflated sigh, like the air was being let out of a tire. It was a sound I had heard before when people were confronted with the nutshell reality of my life.
"I'm sorry," he said, which was also something most people said.
"It's okay. I'm okay. I've come a long way. And that's where I'm going with this story… Kai was out of nowhere. I mean, looking back, there were signs, but to me at that time, it seemed to come out of nowhere. I certainly didn't see it coming."
"I'm sure."
"I got so consumed by anger and fear and this feeling of abandonment that at first, I… I caved in on myself. That's why Luna went away. She was with Josie. My sister came to my rescue. You know Josie."
