Page 78 of Apathy
Nala was sitting inside the cage, chewing on the body of one of the pups—unapologetic, satisfied, and beyond monstrous. But I couldn’t see Donny.
“Where is—”
“I’m sorry, Sky. She, uh… she killed him.”
My perfect albino hamster with red eyes and the missing piece on her ear, ate her pups and killed the male she shared a cage with. My ten-year-old mind couldn’t understand, but I tried.
And the older I got, the more I understood her actions.
Nala died two years after that, but her defensive behavior and the need to always be alone somehow stayed with me.
Just because somebody is biologically your father or a mother, or even a sibling, that doesn’t make them your family. Blood is just that—blood—but actions are what matter.
I’ve been going over the things my family did for me, the actions and reactions they had, and even excluding how my father behaved, none of them were behaving how a real family should.
None of them except Dylan.
He would be disappointed if he knew that every single night since I came back from the hospital, a dark-haired boy he didn’t like all that much sneaked into my room just to hold me. Just to talk to me. Just to tell me that everything was going to be okay.
Ash was fast asleep, his head on my chest, his arms wrapped around my torso as if he didn’t want me to leave. That first night we didn’t talk. He held me while I cried, while I wept for the little girl in me that wasn’t alive anymore.
On the second one, he told me about his brother, Sebastian, and how smart he was. On the third one, he kissed me for the first time since the forest, and I felt as if thousands of butterflies invaded my stomach. As if it was my first kiss.
And perhaps it was. It was the first light kiss I ever got.
The gentle touch of his lips on mine, no rush, no panic, no dark thoughts invading my mind, just him and I, holding each other.
I just wanted to stay here forever, with Ash wrapped around me, far away from the outside world. Far away from the things that could hurt me. Far away from my family who didn’t even call to see how I was doing.
I spent my days with Dylan, who refused to go back to Seattle until the culprit was caught. But my nights… my nights were reserved for Ash.
Ash who held me while my whole body shook, when the fear I was hiding away from finally managed to find me. Ash who wiped the tears from my cheeks and played with the strands of my hair, humming songs I had never heard of.
Ash who made me watch the entireLord of the Ringstrilogy when I couldn’t sleep, too afraid I would see the golden mask instead of the usual darkness.
But Ash still hid parts of himself from me. Even though he talked about himself, about his childhood, about his brother and his uncle, I still had a feeling that he didn’t share the most important parts, and that sucked.
It sucked because with each passing day, he went deeper and deeper, burying himself in my soul. It also sucked because I didn’t know what reality would bring to us once we got out of this warm cocoon we created.
Would he still hold me like he was holding me now, clinging to me like I was important to him, or would he go back to the painful game of indifference?
I was too afraid to ask what was happening between us. I was terrified because he became the air I needed to breathe, and I didn’t want to lose him.
In the endless darkness I was surrounded with, he felt like the light I was desperately looking for. But I wondered if this was real, or if my fucked-up mind just found another thing to be addicted to. I wondered if maybe Ash was just the replacement for all the drugs I used to take, for the alcohol I used to drink.
Maybe he was just another form of self-destruction. But no matter how unhealthy this was, I couldn’t let him go.
He stirred in his sleep as I dragged my thumb over his eyebrow, wanting more than ever to know how he got the scar slicing it in half. I wanted to know his deepest, darkest secrets, but as much as I wanted to know, I also wanted to keep him in this idolized box I created.
I learned that sometimes the truth wasn’t what we actually needed, and right now I needed to believe that not everything was dark. I had to believe that there were people in this fucking town who didn’t want to see me fail.
I had to believe that the guy I was falling for was also falling for me, for all the good and bad things I had inside me. I had to believe he was okay with the mess swirling through my head, because if I didn’t, this endless hole I was falling through would swallow me whole.
“Your thoughts are loud,” he murmured, halting the movement of my hand immediately.
“Excuse me?”
“I said,” he pushed himself up, and leaned closer to me, “your.”Kiss. “Thoughts.”Kiss. “Are.”Kiss. “Loud.”
