Page 101 of Apathy
The music, the voices, and the laughter, all woven into one; they all echoed around me until I realized—I was the one laughing. My body shook from the force, and I finally opened my eyes, seeing the worried faces—first of Rowan and Danny, then Lauren, and finally Beatrice and Hailey.
A glass shattered somewhere on my right side, and I walked to them, placing one hand on Danny’s shoulder.
“I’m good.” But the expression on his face was one of disbelief, as if he expected me to break right in front of his eyes.
Maybe I was breaking. Maybe the shadows came to me at last. Maybe the sanity I was holding on to was slipping through my fingers.
Maybe I didn’t care anymore.
I walked around the two brothers and bent down, retrieving the glass bottle of vodka from the ground. I uncapped it and lifted it in the air, smiling at all my friends.
“Happy fucking birthday to me!”
* * *
Alive.
I finally fucking felt alive.
It must have been hours since we arrived, and after that first bottle of vodka, the second one came, then the third one, and somewhere along the way Lauren told me to open my mouth.
“Wider, Sky.” She snickered as she placed a pill on my tongue.
We danced, and we laughed while the fire flickered around us, enveloping us in its warmth.
I couldn’t feel the shadows anymore. Their eyes didn’t bother me anymore. Their claws couldn’t touch me.
I was here, but I wasn’t here.
As I looked at my friends huddled together, my cheeks hurt from the wide grin I sported, happy that we were finally together. Lauren was leaning against Danny, her cheeks flushed from all the dancing and the warmth, from the alcohol and drugs as well, but she looked happy.
Happier than ever.
Hailey was perched on top of Rowan’s lap, his hands on her hips, his face hidden behind her hair, while she talked to Beatrice, the only one standing.
Kane wasn’t here, but in my fuzzy brain I figured that it was better this way. He’d been getting distant, almost as if he was both angry and sad, and I didn’t know why. Perhaps I could’ve been a better friend, but somewhere between growing up with him, then sleeping with him, then trying to get rid of him, we grew apart, and I had a feeling that no matter what I did now, we would never go back to being what we once were.
Best friends.
Ridding myself from thoughts about Kane, I stood up and shook the debris from my pants. My knees felt wobbly, like Jell-O after sitting down for so long, but my bladder’s protests were louder than the little bit of discomfort I felt in the moment.
“Where are you going?” It was Lauren that asked, moving away from Danny and slowly sitting up.
“Toilet,” I mumbled. Or at least that’s what I hoped I’d said.
My teeth felt numb from all the alcohol we consumed, the tingling sensation in my fingers slowly spreading throughout my body, reaching the center.
I turned around and started walking toward the forest. I didn’t feel cold anymore. I didn’t feel anything anymore.
No pain.
No pressure.
The trees seemed darker tonight, the full moon shining bright above us, but the light couldn’t reach the ground of the thick forest.
Leaves and dirt groaned underneath my boots, mixing with the noises from the bonfire following me all the way inside.
“Wait for me!” Lauren’s voice traveled to me, making me turn around.
