Page 62 of Equilibrium
“I would burn the world for you if they tried to take you away from me. I would destroy them all if it made you happy.” He gave a small kiss on the corner of my lips and I felt the flutter of his eyelashes against my cheeks. “Where you go, I go. What you need, I’m gonna get it for you, just talk to me. I need you to talk to me, because this thing isn’t a one-way street. This isn’t me just trying to keep you here because I don’t want you outside. I am trying to protect you from the outside world because I know that they want to hurt you.”
“But you can’t protect me from everything.”
“No,” he agreed. “I know I can’t, but I have to try. And I know you’re not some damsel in distress. I know you could beat half of my guys and get out of the fight without a scratch, but I want to protect you from the things you might not be able to defeat. I want to give you a home, Phee.”
My throat started closing off, Everything he said, everything he wanted to do, it was what I wanted. No, it was more than that. It was what I needed. After years and years of trying to be something I wasn’t, trying to please the people who wouldn’t even blink if I dropped dead, this was what I needed.
I needed to be, what, loved? I guess that’s the proper word. I needed to be safe, even if it was for a little while, and he could give that to me. We could give that to each other.
“My father won’t rest until he gets me back, Storm.” His whole body stiffened at the mere mention of Nikolai Aster, and I knew there was more to the story that I was unaware of. “I don’t want you guys to be in danger just because I’m here.”
“Hey—”
“Then there’s Maya.” I was rambling, but if I didn’t say all of this now, I never would. “I have to find her. I have to save her even if it’s the last thing I ever do. I just feel so guilty for never helping her before, even though I could’ve. I could’ve found a way instead of allowing them to treat me like a mindless robot who only fulfilled orders. I could’ve done something. I could’ve—”
I couldn’t breathe. I could feel my chest tightening, my throat closing, and I couldn’t breathe.
“Oh God.” I started wheezing, trying to catch a breath, trying to move away from Storm, from everything. Trying to close the doors in my head, the ones leading to one of my biggest regrets.
“And Ava—”
I couldn’t save them. I couldn’t save any of them. I condemned them. I condemned all of them to death and pain, and endless torture. I would do the same with the club. I shouldn’t stay here. I shouldn’t be here. My tainted soul was going to destroy them all. My father was going to destroy them all.
“I-I can’t... I can’t... Storm.” I started clutching at my throat, clawing, ripping, but I still couldn’t breathe. He jumped up, reaching for me, pulling my hands back, but he didn’t understand, I couldn’t breathe. I had to breathe, but I didn’t deserve to.
I created so much pain, so much destruction and sorrow, even a thousand years wouldn’t be enough to wash away all the sins I committed. And I was going to commit more, I knew that.
“Ophelia.” He held both of my hands as the skin on my neck burned. “You need to calm down, baby girl. Come on, breathe with me.” But he didn’t understand, I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. “Come on. Inhale through your nose.” He inhaled and then exhaled through his mouth. “Exhale through your mouth. Come on, do it with me.”
My whole body trembled, my hands shaking as he held them captive. “Ophelia!” he barked. “Breathe with me. I know you can do it.” Maybe I could. Maybe... okay.
I inhaled through my nose, feeling the burn in my sinuses, in my throat as the air slowly filled my lungs, and exhaled on a shaky breath.
“That’s it.” He smiled. “Again, inhale,” he repeated the process, “and exhale.”
Inhale and exhale.
Inhale.
Exhale.
One and two and three and four times, I repeated the same until my lungs stopped burning and my body stopped trembling. I didn’t even realize I was gripping his hands, or that he was slowly petting my head, or the loving look he was giving me—a worried look at the same time. I didn’t even realize when we ended up on the floor, with me sitting in front of him, cross-legged. I didn’t realize when I removed my shirt, but I did. I was still in my bra and my pants, while Storm sat in front of me, still bloodied, still hurt but helping me.
His thumb brushed over my wrist, sending small shock waves through my body. I didn’t think when I launched myself at him, wrapping my legs around his waist and entwining my arms around his shoulders, hiding my face in his neck. Slow, soft strokes started on my back, as he bent his knees and held me even closer.
“Shhh.” I could feel his breath on my ear. “I got you. I got you.”
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled. “I don’t know what... I don’t know what happened.”
“It’s okay, Ophelia. You don’t ever have to apologize for these things. You had a panic attack, a mild one, but still a panic attack.”
“I know.”
“You mean—”
“This isn’t the first time I had one of those. Sometimes I can’t breathe and sometimes I can see their faces. Sometimes I can see Kieran’s face, sometimes Ava’s. Other times it’s the innocent people I’ve killed in the name of the Syndicate. I keep getting haunted by these memories, and I don’t know what to do about them. I just... I don’t know what to do.”
He kissed the shell of my ear, then my cheek and then he tilted my head up and pressed his lips against mine. It wasn’t like our other kisses, where we were both hungry for more than just a kiss. But this one didn’t scream sex or possession, no. This one was a careful, feathery kiss I could feel all the way to my toes. This one spoke to my soul, fed my whole being.
